Insatiable Need to Write

I have a confession to make: I can't stop thinking about writing. Now, before you laugh, wave your hand in a dismissive manner and say "Allison, that's because you're an author", no! I mean, it's something I literally cannot help thinking about. I want to write. I have to write. Something, anything, preferably something with substance. It's like, here's Allison, look at her: Half a person without her outlet for writing. Is that weird? I feel drawn out and stretched in an uncomfortable way when I haven't written on a story or blog in a while. And oh man, it's been WEEKS. I like coffee, but to me, going without writing is like being one of those people who drinks 3 cups of coffee a day, and then suddenly finds out all the caffeine in the world has magically vanished into thin air. Gasp!

It's very frustrating. And I've discovered something else about me too, that I'm warily looking into, because it's something new and ridiculous. And frustrating. I already said that, didn't I? Well, anyway, this new ridiculous something is that I've found I can no longer read. Smart comments to yourself, obviously I can read, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this or anything else, but I mean in the past few months, I've discovered that I can't read a book or novel or even short story or article without squirming in my chair. I don't want to read, I want to write! I open a new book I've just checked out from the library, and it looks fascinating, but by page 2 or 3, my mind starts to wander... it starts reminding me that I should and could be writing on the sequel I've started. Holding the book in my hands reminds me that my story could someday be a book, being held in someone's hands, if ONLY I'D WRITE IT. I read the witty words the author has put down for my enjoyment and enlightenment, and long to be doing the same. I end up closing the book, having spent no more than 5 minutes with it. Sigh.

But do I actually get off the couch, grab my laptop, and start typing like a mad person making up for lost time? No. No I don't. I might open the document once in a while and read through what I have so far, frown at how little I have and how far I've got to go, and my head hurts with the details, characters, and plot lines I still have to type. It's all up there, in my mind, don't get me wrong. The whole entire book is in my head. So why don't I write it? Sometimes I think I lack "the push". With my first book, I had a friend who clamored to read each chapter when it was written. He prodded me to write more. Wanted to know why I'd just killed off his favorite character, much to my delight. But that's ridiculous. Not every writer or author has someone standing over their figurative shoulder, saying "Are you done yet? What's going to happen in the next chapter?" That's such bold faced vanity, I just push it to the back of my mind and plod along. No writing gets done, and my frustration grows deeper. I have this insatiable need to write, to express myself, to get the words, images, and characters out of my head and onto the paper. I just don't know what to do with this insatiable need, other than the obvious choice, of course. 

I need help

The Cinematography Life

What’s the point of a seemingly pointless movie? That wonderful and frustrating phenomenon of sitting through a whole 2+ hour movie, only to get to the end, and realize you just wasted 2+ hours of your life that you can never get back. I’ve seen a few movies like that, and just recently watched one that was particularly pointless. I won’t even bother to mention what it was, to save you the time and energy of watching it yourself, because I know you all are optimists and you think that it couldn’t be all THAT bad, right? 

In a way, you’re right. There’s good in everything, if we only choose to see it. This movie was peppered (I love using that word in non-cooking contexts) with swear words, was long, had two bizarre and non-inner connected plots going at the same time, and had absolutely no plot absolution at the end. But-- it was shot in the most beautiful and artful way. The filming was exquisite. The rest? Not so much. Not even at all. So where am I going with this? Where do I always go with things like this?

Life, of course. Life sometimes has this interesting way of reminding us that parts of it can be like that long, confusing, beautiful cinematography film. You think there’s no plot, no rhyme or reason to what’s been going on in your life... and yet, the hand of God is there, orchestrating everything. Even if it is unseen, or still to be revealed to you. You may get to glance back later and see that everything was working together according to His will. And how fantastic that will be! You just have to let go.

Let go of the past. Let go of trying to figure things out that you just can’t figure out. Sometimes the plot doesn’t make sense. But the good news is: There’s always a plot. Isn’t that wonderful? The intention is always there, you know that. The director obviously made the film for a reason, never mind that it’s totally unclear to you, though. God has a plan for you. Has a reason for making you and creating this story you’re in right now. Maybe it just seems long and drawn out for some reason.

Maybe you sort of fell asleep on the couch of your life for a few minutes or hours, and completely missed it. 

Maybe you had the sound turned down.

Maybe you were distracted too much by other things (yeah, your cell phone. Facebook) to catch the subtleties in the plot to see what it’s all about.

Maybe you...

Maybe.

Life is not a movie. A movie is not life. But everyone has that story, that plot. Secret or not. You just have to look for what the Director is trying to say with what He’s given you, and trust that, in the end, He’ll have completed His beautifully shot work. In you.

Life Lessons: Expectations

Don't you dislike hearing or seeing those two words: Life Lessons. It almost sends a shudder down your spine. It's like an instant moment of panic and disgust all wrapped up into one, since you know you're about to get a talking-to that you don't want to hear or read about. I'm not a fan of those two words put together either, but in this case, it's so true. Life has taught me a few lessons lately. Well, more like walloped me over the head with them.. but you'll have to find that out for yourself :D

#1 
I'm a fan of some of the movies by M. Night Shyamalan, like The Village, Signs, Lady in the Water, and The Last Airbender. So, when I saw the trailer for his newest 'thriller', I just knew it would have all the classic jump elements, suspense, and surprise twist ending that M. Night has become so very famous for. He always puts a good vs. evil plot line in, and good always wins in the end, the hero saving the day. Now, I never go into a movie blind, so to speak, so I reviewed it first, knowing full well that there were some scary parts, some creepy images, etc. But I was still so excited. I wanted to see it. I wanted to go to the theater and sit there and love the movie. I had expectations. Automatically, I thought by default that it would be like his other movies that I've enjoyed. Relatively tame, with a few "eek!" moments thrown in here and there. Like any good thriller should be. He's practically set the standard in his field, anyway, so I expected that this one would be no different. A few weeks after the movie came out in theaters, I decided to go see it. I arrived, and found that I was the only person in the entire theater! That was going to creep me out. A LOT. But thankfully (or maybe not?) one other person came in and sat in the back. THAT was going to creep me out even more. A lot. Haha. But then the movie started... and I got halfway through it before wishing I'd never come. Wishing I had the courage to just stand up and walk out, not caring how it ended. But I wanted to know! I spent the entire last half of the movie with my hands over my ears and my coat up by my eyes, squinting and seeing blurry images. It. Was. SCARY. Unlike anything I'd ever seen. And I shouldn't have gone. But there I was. My expectations had completely and utterly clouded my good sense. I thought it was going to be like all his other movies. I thought, I thought, I thought. But it wasn't. It was much, much scarier than I was expecting. Did it end well? Of course. Good won out. But... at what cost to me? Life Lesson Learned: Look before you leap. And take a friend.
#2  
Some of my co-workers had been badgering me ALL WEEK, day in and day out, to go with them to hike up The Incline, a 2,000 some steps trail made from old cog railroad ties up the side of a very large mountain. It has a spectacular view of the whole city, and you can even see Kansas from the top, but, I had heard it was a strenuous climb. Hard on your lungs for the climb in elevation, hard on your legs, and emotionally and physically draining. My boss does it sometimes three times a week, which I still cannot fathom to this day how. I'm pretty sure he'll live longer than all of us at the office. He is in SHAPE! But anyway, I personally had never wanted to experience The Incline, because I could understandingly say it looked horrifying and something I'd never even consider undertaking. But the co-workers just wouldn't let up. And they coaxed and prodded and promised me lunch afterwards and said it would be "fun". Then I started feeling like a bad Coloradan, because nearly everyone seems to have done it. Plus, it's great exercise, I'm young, I need exercise, and I could say I'd done it and enjoy the scenery all at once. *Sigh*. And I do so love fresh, forest air. Mmmm. So, I agreed, somewhat belligerently, and woke up at the crack of dawn on a non-work day to drive over there. We arrived (at 8am), just to meet our boss at the bottom on his way down. Yes, he actually enjoys getting up early to exercise :) He was so delighted to see us all there, and so now I HAD to go through with it. LOL. But oh boy... just getting started, and I knew what I had gotten myself into. It is hard, hard, hard climbing. And at some points, almost straight up. Some hikers even wear gloves, for the very purpose of pulling themselves up to the next step. OH wow. As my co-workers went on ahead of me and started getting higher and farther away from me, I was left to the task of motivating myself to take the next and the next and the next steps without wanting to sit right down and ask to be buried there. My whole body was physically exhausted, and I had to reach down to tell myself to keep going. I had my eye on the top of The Incline, like any good and motivated person, telling myself: "Just keep going. Take those next five steps and then catch your breath. Look! You're almost to the top! Almost... to... the...top." The expectation of me getting to the top pushed me on. I forced myself to go on up those stairs in the side of the mountain, gasping for breath, choosing my footing carefully, knowing that I was almost at the top. Unfortunately, my expectations were worse than I had initially thought, as you can see from this picture (note the arrow) of The Incline from the bottom:

That arrow points to what is so fondly termed "The False Summit". Oh yes. The. FALSE. Summit. Aghhhh! Let me tell you, I got there, over that ridge, and saw nothing but more stairs going up, up, up. Oh. I felt so, so defeated. I was already tired and exhausted. My body hurt. I was hot. I was alone. And there was more to go! I was a mere halfway up The Incline, and I had no idea until that moment of coming over what I thought was the top. I had expected that my journey was finally at an end, the joyous moment when I would crest the last step and shout and pump my fist in the air, celebrating my accomplishment. But no. My expectations were as false as that so-called summit. Can you imagine?! Really, can you? It was awful. I couldn't stop. I did NOT want to go back down. I was not quitting. My co-workers were nearly at the top themselves. So what else did I do? Other than exclaim rather loudly "Nooooo!", I had to keep going :) And I did. I pushed myself harder, and made it to the REAL summit. Pictures are forthcoming, but there is a lovely one of me, kissing the top step. SO worth it. Life Lesson Learned: Just like other things in life, like waiting to go to college or thinking you're done with something when you're really not, expectations can be misleading or surprising. Don't let them cripple you. Instead, push forward, push harder, and get. to. the. summit of what God has planned for you!

Quieter Love

You really should marry your best friend. Yes, I know the current controversy swirling around on the various forums about how you should not, nor even want to marry your best friend. They should be your partner. Someone you love. Not like your current best friend. Would you marry your best friend? Of course not! But I say, yes, you should. Why wouldn’t you? Let me explain.

Natural inner desires aside for the more physical, obvious side of marriage and its benefits, which we all know, let’s look at the long-term aspect of marriage. Everyone who enters marriage knows that they want to make it last. They intend for all good purposes that the person they are marrying will be there beside them for the rest of their life. I’m not sure many people stop and think about this very seriously when they are considering getting married. You pretty much will have to live, work, move, talk, sleep, eat, decide, plan, play, cry, laugh, breathe, struggle, toil, cook, read, sing, and more than likely argue, with this person you’re marrying for the rest... of your... life. Every single day. Life will interfere, of course, as things like the normal work day, business trips, retreats, travel, and hospital stays will separate the two of you for a while. But other than that, you can just about plan on seeing that person somewhere around you for the remainder of the time. To the newly married, this is great! But how long will the excitedness of constantly 24/7 being around that person last? Will you still be excited when your spouse is sick, throwing up every few hours, and you have to take care of them? Will you be excited, pulling laundry out of the hamper, to put in the washer, to put in the dryer, to take out and put away (weekly!)? Will you still be excited when you open your spouses car hood for the millionth time in the garage to add in the fluids they just never seem to replace? Will you be thinking loving thoughts about your spouse when they use up all the hot water, and your shower is cold? The seemingly mundane things of life will creep in eventually, as they should, and what happens if you are no longer in that sparkly eyed twitter patted state of mind? What will hold you through those seconds, hours, days, months, years? Hopefully, and here is where my point comes in, what holds you through is that you are married to your best friend. Someone you want to go through all these things with.

Not many of us can think of the best friend we have right now as a future spouse, and that is why we shy away from the idea. Usually, but not always, this is because our best friend is the same gender we are! And that’s natural and right. You should definitely NOT marry this friend. Even if we could look past that, most of us are still annoyed by some thing or another that our best friend inevitably does, and we’ll take a break from that person for a while, or even in the extreme, find another best friend. Ok: All gender aside, think with me here for a moment. Think of your best friend. Maybe it’s a sibling that you’ve always been the closest with. Or a friend you’ve known since you were children together. More than likely, in either instance, you’ve known this person for quite some time and they’re not just a fly-by-night casual acquaintance. Now think even further than that, and consider that the two of you just never married, and, being best friends, thought, ‘Hey! Since neither of us has anyone, let’s share a house. We can save on rent, utilities, furniture, kitchen stuff, and it’ll be even better because we can see each other all the time! It’ll be great. Plus, we get along really well.’ Now be honest, could you live with that person, your best friend or sibling, for a long time? I know in my case, if it were my sister, I definitely could! I get along and always have with both of my sisters-- they ARE my best friends, simply because we’ve spent the most time together and know each other very, very well. Sure, we can argue over something trivial every now and then, or tease each other, but in the end it all comes down to them being not only my sisters, but my friends, and I know we’d take care of each other. And that’s what most of it comes down to... you being comfortable with your future spouse, your best friend. You know that they know you and you know them. Picking up facial cues to each others emotions, knowing what pleases and what irks the other, wanting to be there through thick and thin with them to help each other through. The list of best friend qualities that also tie into marriage is virtually endless. Best friends know the other friend intricately, have bonded on a special level with them, and yes, in its own way, love each other.

So next time you hear someone say “I’ve married my best friend”, try not to scoff at them and think the statement is ridiculous. I believe a spouse can and should be a best friend. It may have some different meanings than what comes to mind when you think of your same gender best friend, but that partner and soulmate that is your other half that you’ll live with day in and day out-- that’s a special kind of friend and love entirely. And, I pray, one we should all be so lucky to someday find and share life with.

Reading this morning in C.S. Lewis’ book Mere Christianity, I came across a few paragraphs about marriage, which tied in perfectly with what I’d already been thinking of blogging about. The last part especially, really just struck my brain like a bolt of lightning. I’d always wondered at the phrase and meaning behind one ‘dying to yourself’, and understood the basic principles behind it, but never in this light before, and now that it’s become so unmistakably clear to me, I will never again be able to see the words and not think of the true meaning behind it. After the ecstasy and euphoric high of being newly married begins to slightly diminish (but not fully-- I hope it never will!), what we should look for is what Mr. Lewis refers to as a “quieter love”. Not wild and crazy as when you were young and everything was new, but not tame and complacent, either.

“They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be ‘in love’ with someone else. ‘Being in love’ first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it... In this department of life, as in every other, thrills come at the beginning and do not last. The sort of thrill a boy has at the first idea of flying will not go on when he has joined the R.A.F. and is really learning to fly. The thrill you feel on first seeing a delightful place dies away when you really go to live there. Does that mean it would be better not to learn to fly and not to live in the beautiful place? By no means. In both cases, if you go through with it, the dying away of the first thrill will be compensated for by a quieter and more lasting kind of interest. What is more (and I can hardly find words to tell you how important I think this), it is just the people who are ready to submit to the loss of the thrill and settle down to the sober interest, who are then most likely to meet new thrills in some quite different direction. The man who has learned to fly and become a good pilot will suddenly discover music; the man who has settled down to live in the beauty spot will discover gardening.
This is, I think, one little part of what Christ meant by saying that a thing will not really live unless it first dies. It is simply no good trying to keep any thrill: that is the very worst thing you can do. Let the thrill go-- let it die away-- go on through that period of death into the quieter interest and happiness that follow-- and you will find you are living in a world of new thrills all the time.”

I Do Not Want To Be Famous!

So many people want to be famous. An actor. An actress. A singer. A dancer. "I want to see my name in lights!" is pretty famous to hear people say, or at least hear a movie character saying. And I think these days, the desire to become someone famous has increased more and more. We're pushed into thinking that being normal, being a 'no one' is boring and unusual. Yes, movies are entertaining, but sometimes they can be too engrossing, and we come away from the TV or theater thinking 'Wow, so and so was so cute, I wish I were an actor in a movie like them. Their life must be so glamorous and expensive!'

Yes and no. Expensive? Of course. Glamorous? Not exactly as the majority of American's make it out to be. It's actually pretty depressing.

For example, why would you want to be constantly followed around, by either people trying to take pictures of your every move, or by a bodyguard you had to hire to keep all the weird people and stalkers away? Not me! Think about it: Not a trip to the grocery store, or getting in your car, or going in and out of your house, or goinganywhere would be missed by someone. Your level of anonymity would cease to exist. People constantly wanting to be your friend... only because you're famous. Wanting your autograph. Not leaving a moments peace. Wanting you to get them 'into the business' because you must obviously have some sort of connection. Who would want this, willingly?? This is not even mentioning, of course, the tabloids, the magazine rumors, the 'sources' (close "friends" of yours!) telling inside details to the reporters. Nothing is private about your world anymore.

And the magazines know it. They'll get a picture of you walking your DOG and make it into something fantastic. Walking my dog?! Oh, how thrilling and every day. Magazines, like 'People Magazine' seem to think they have some right to take pictures, post stories and news items, and surmise details about famous people because they are just positive that we, as American's, are simply dying of curiosity over every move they make. Ha! And since they (the magazine) think this, they go right ahead and push the paparazzi even more to get close, get personal, invade private space, and take whatever pictures they can.

As a result, we are getting famous people that are fed up, hassled, depressed, and more often than not, with the aid of the Hollywood mentality, turn to destructive behaviors, styles of life, addictions, and partying to escape from US! Their world suddenly becomes very, very small, as they are forced to only be around other elite people like themselves, who are headed down exactly the same destructive paths they are! Can you see where I'm going with this? It's a horrible cycle, and once you're 'famous', you can't ever go back. Unless you commit suicide. Or overdose. Or... the list goes on. They're ignoring the pain of being so alone, yet surrounded by millions of people who claim to be their adoring fans. Adoring fans are simply that because they like how the person looks physically, the 'stylish' clothes they wear, the places they hang out, and the fact that they can be seen my millions of people and live a glamorous life. Alone. The pressure to stay looking fit, looking fabulous, looking stylish, at all costs, is enormous. Heaven forbid someone sees you in a pair of sweats! There go your ratings.

So, I'm going against popular culture and declaring that I do NOT want to be famous, for this very reason: People don't like or know you for who you are. You're a lone island, surrounded by people wanting you, dressing you, fixing you into the look they think American's idolize, not the real you. Not the real you!

I don't admire famous people. I'm sad for them. It's such a horrible, horrible life WE'VE put them in. And WE will continue this madness until someone wakes up to the damage WE'RE doing to them, whether physically or subconsciously, and does something about it. Until then, I do not want to be famous, or even aspire to be. I don't know who would.

Thoughts from Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis: Time

Calvinism.
Pre-destination.
Freewill?

There are many terms and many different view points from those in the Christian life who argue their view of the pre-knowledge of God. What does He really know ahead of time? Does He guide our acts like a master puppeteer, or does He watch and wait? Is God ever surprised? Just HOW in control are we, as mere human beings, made of flesh and muscle and bone, blessed and cursed by the ever present inevitability that we, and we alone, indeed are responsible for what we say, think, act out, don't act out, and imagine? In His Word, God makes it very clear that no, we are not puppets. We are free thinkers. Free doers. Free from strings, free to harm. To hurt. To love. To laugh. To serve. Whether we choose to do any or all of these things is entirely up to us. Does God guide? Yes, I believe He does. His Word also states quite clearly and in simple layman's terms that God has a plan for our individual lives. So what about time? If God has this plan for our lives, does He know what we will do before we do it? Or does He just influence what happens in and around us? Confused yet?

While reading today in the book that is ever becoming my favorite, Mere Christianity, I read the following passage and was struck at the complexity of Mr. Lewis' thoughts. They were hard to swallow. Yet, a second look, and I knew almost instantaneously what he was talking about and his thought process. It's amazing, astounding, and refreshing:

"But God, I believe, does not live in a Time-series at all. His life is not dribbled out moment by moment like ours: with Him it is, so to speak, still 1920 and already 1960. For His life is Himself. If you picture time as a straight line along which we have to travel, then you must picture God as the whole page on which the line is drawn.... Another difficulty we get if we believe God to be in time is this. Everyone who believes in God at all believes that He knows what you and I are going to do tomorrow. But if He knows I am going to do so-and-so, how can I be free to do otherwise? Well, here once again, the difficulty comes from thinking that God is progressing along the Time-line like us: the only difference being that He can see ahead and we cannot. Well, if that were true, if God foresaw our acts, it would be very hard to understand how we could be free not to do them. But suppose God is outside and above the Time-line. In that case, what we call 'tomorrow' is visible to Him in just the same way as what we call 'today'. All the days are 'Now' for Him. He does not remember you doing things yesterday; He simply sees you doing them, because, though you have lost yesterday, He has not. He does not 'foresee' you doing things tomorrow; He simply sees you doing them: because, though tomorrow is not yet there for you, it is for Him. You never supposed that your actions at this moment were any less free because God knows what you are doing. Well, He knows your tomorrow's actions in just the same way-- because He is already in tomorrow and can simply watch you. In a sense, He does not know your action till you have done it: but then the moment at which you have done it is already 'Now' for Him."

Wow. Maybe not the clearest case I can present for saying that I believe in freewill and personal responsibility, with Christ as my Savior and Guide, but I think it will get some wheels turning, as it did mine. Think about it. For yourself.

Psalm 139: 1-4
O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

"You Don't Date?"

I can’t count how many times I’ve heard this exclaimed throughout my teenage and young adult years. And I suppose to most, it does seem like an odd comeback to their question of either ‘Do you have a boyfriend?’ or, the very rare: ‘What are you doing Friday night...?’ I tend to get this blank and somewhat confused look like I have suddenly grown another head or just announced that I’m actually a ruling dictator in Russia. Before I dive in with my explaination, I suppose I should clarify. It’s not that I don’t date, I’m just not looking to date... in the sense of what it’s come to be known as.

Call me old fashioned. Ok, let’s just get it out of the way: “Allison, you’re old fashioned.” I don’t know if it’s the fact that I was brought up in a fairly strict homeschooled environment, or my parents influence and beliefs on the subject, but I believe that when it comes right down to it, I have chosen this way for myself- no other. When I was in my teens, our house rule was no dating. That was just a given, and I was perfectly fine with it. I saw the positives of not going from one heartbreaking relationship to another, and I was too young to get married anyway. So one would assume now that I’m ‘out of the house’ so to speak, I could ditch what my parents were requiring and just date whomever, whenever, right? Not exactly. So why not? I was free, wasn’t I, to make my own choices? 

True. But the funny thing was, when I took a second look at why I did what I did, and the reasons behind it, I found out that my parents were actually on to something. This of course I already knew, but I wanted to verify it for myself anyway. What I realized is that yes, of course I wanted to find that certain someone, my best friend and partner for life, but did I want to have to go through 2, 3, 5- or more, guys and the repeatedly broken hearts that ensued, on the way to get there to that goal? No! Absolutely and emphatically no. I know many people would argue that you don’t know and can’t grow unless you try it out first or have your heart broken a few times along the way. Yes, quite a few will argue that it actually makes it sweeter, when you finally fall in love with the right one, because you’ve been able to find out what you didn’t want and what you weren’t looking for in a spouse along the way. What they fail to mention are the casualties you’ll have left along the roadside of life, casting those aside, trampling over their feelings (and yours)-- all in the pursuit of finding someone through trial and error. The only problem, other than the hurt feelings on both sides, is that in essence you’re trying out boys. They become simply try-out relationships... and then you’ve missed the point entirely. You no longer have marriage in mind, but of having a good time, going out, being flirtatious, and then when you truly get to know the person, casting them aside at the soonest convenient opportunity.

Usually knowing all this doesn’t deter people from dating. Am I afraid to get my heart broken, you ask? No. But for right now, I’ve decided that if I can have any say in it, I want to get to know a guy as a friend first, not having the intention of starting any relationship, until we both know we are fully ready to pursue a relationship with the goal of marriage as a the end result, if that is how the Lord is directing in each of our lives. 

I look forward to that day, if that is what God wants to fulfill in my life. However, until that day, I will continue to answer the question-- because I know the answer is ultimately in my, and my future spouses, best interest.