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An amazing friend recently asked me when I would write again. And my answer was that I would more than likely write about something I had been thinking over for a long time. I'm realizing more and more that I am not in control of my life, however, because this blog is being written about throughts from yesterday. Thoughts that rushed to the surface in my day of silence for Good Friday, and even that day played out in a way that I was not expecting.
The day started out difficultly. I'm realizing that I use technology so much, and have time carved out for checking e-mail, texting friends, calling people, checking Facebook, updating Facebook, stalk-- er, reading up on my friend's lives on Facebook, checking Facebook again, looking up something on the internet, taking a picture. But none of that was available to me this morning. To make matters worse (not really, I'm being dramatic), the people I live with had their carpet cleaned for an event that the house is having in MAY (more than a month away, actually), and they asked me not to eat in my room until then. Sigh. So, I trooped downstairs for breakfast and was told a joke about silent monks, even though I couldn't laugh at it. Oh, cruel world :) I then decided to go back to bed for at least an hour. Because I could. And I couldn't talk. Or get on the internet.
I came to realize throughout the day that I made my meals more slowly. I ate them more slowly. I sat at the kitchen table and had to go with my own internal thoughts while lifting the fork to my mouth and chewing. It was a lonely day. While the people I live with were in and out of the house, talking back and forth with each other, I seemed to be stuck in one place. Almost wrapped up in an invisible bubble somehow. But at the same time, it was amazing and needed. I had absolutely nothing else to think about than Christ's sacrifice, what he did, must have felt, how much it must have hurt. The fear. The anguish. I left the house after lunch and reading in Matthew some of the events leading up to the Passover/Last supper, betrayal, and some of Jesus' thoughts on life, light, and his exact prediction and description of how he would die. I marveled at what the disciples must have thought as they saw it all play out exactly as he said. Were they shocked? Who can predict how they will die, and have it happen?
I drove downtown in a silent car. Nothing but me, the engine, and the sound of the turn signal, clicking. Kind of crazy. This is unusual for me, because 364 days out of every year, I get into my car and reach for the stereo button, plugging in my iPod or listening to the radio. Unless I have passengers, of course, which is pretty rare. The whole day is just so jarring to me! Very theraputic. I was so excited and looking forward to walking the labyrinth. I've walked it for the past 6 years, and a few years before that when my family lived in CO the first time. Something I'm used to. Something I take for granted. It really was my own fault, not looking it up beforehand. So I got there, parked, walked in, and it turns out that this year the church decided to have the labyrinth open only one day--Thursday--, the day before. Yep. Oh! I missed it by one day! Now what was I going to do?
Well, it was a gorgeous, if not windy day, very warm and sunny. So, I drove to Red Rocks Canyon. It's somewhat similar to Garden of the God's, only more wildnerness and dirt trails. Pretty rugged. I was determined: I would walk somewhere, and still have that time of prayer and reflection, even if it meant stepping out of my norm. So I parked, and started hiking. This is the great thing about life: It always makes you step out of your comfort zone by taking you completely by surprise. Was I wearing hiking shoes or clothes? No. Did I have a water bottle? No. A hat? No. I was unprepared. I didn't plan any of it, which is perhaps what made me smile the most. As I walked, I couldn't help but think of how Jesus had been the normal for his disciples for years. They were used to being around him, seeing his teaching and miracles. He walked on the water, and so did Peter! He fed thousands of people with very little! He even raised Lazarus from the dead after 4 days. And then, Jesus was just suddenly yanked away from them. He was there, then he wasn't. And they didn't know for sure that he was going to rise from the dead, like we do, because we have the Bible and can look ahead. They either had great depression, or great faith. After taking a path that veered off to the right and didn't look like it went really anywhere exciting, I suddenly came out into this giant open space with huge red rocks looming up on either side. One of the rocks wasn't too high, and could easily be walked up, almost like a ramp. I walked up the rock carefully, getting higher and higher, and when I got to the top, my breath caught in a gasp: Three trees stood in front of the rock, overlooking a small lake that was shaped like... a heart. Like this <3 With Pikes Peak and the mountain range framed in the background. It was almost more than I could imagine. It was like God was saying, "Allison, climb up and sit here on this rock! You can't see what's ahead yet, but just wait until you get to the top! I'll provide all you need, and nudge your heart to reflection." WOW. No electronics, so no picture, but it was special nonetheless. I stayed and prayed for nearly an hour, not caring about the sun beating down on me or the wind whipping my hair crazily. Suddenly, not walking the labyrinth didn't bother me. It was just so like God to take me out of my protected, inside ritual; though I did it for a good reason every year, I was safe inside that church and surrounded by walls. This time, I was outside in the open, completely exposed, wind howling, and God was protecting me. Just as He was in my life, and always will. He knows what He has planned for me, and I, do not. I can trust and follow Him into the wildnerness, though, to be surprised by His grace, mercy, and provision.
The rest of the day was spent reading about the crucifixion in all four of the gospels, taking a nap, going for a long walk as the sun was setting, and reading through 1st and 2nd Peter, which I was intrigued with. Not talking wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be this year. But everything else that happened, was. It was exactly what I needed.
