Silence Out Into The Open

An amazing friend recently asked me when I would write again. And my answer was that I would more than likely write about something I had been thinking over for a long time. I'm realizing more and more that I am not in control of my life, however, because this blog is being written about throughts from yesterday. Thoughts that rushed to the surface in my day of silence for Good Friday, and even that day played out in a way that I was not expecting.

The day started out difficultly. I'm realizing that I use technology so much, and have time carved out for checking e-mail, texting friends, calling people, checking Facebook, updating Facebook, stalk-- er, reading up on my friend's lives on Facebook, checking Facebook again, looking up something on the internet, taking a picture. But none of that was available to me this morning. To make matters worse (not really, I'm being dramatic), the people I live with had their carpet cleaned for an event that the house is having in MAY (more than a month away, actually), and they asked me not to eat in my room until then. Sigh. So, I trooped downstairs for breakfast and was told a joke about silent monks, even though I couldn't laugh at it. Oh, cruel world :) I then decided to go back to bed for at least an hour. Because I could. And I couldn't talk. Or get on the internet. 

I came to realize throughout the day that I made my meals more slowly. I ate them more slowly. I sat at the kitchen table and had to go with my own internal thoughts while lifting the fork to my mouth and chewing. It was a lonely day. While the people I live with were in and out of the house, talking back and forth with each other, I seemed to be stuck in one place. Almost wrapped up in an invisible bubble somehow. But at the same time, it was amazing and needed. I had absolutely nothing else to think about than Christ's sacrifice, what he did, must have felt, how much it must have hurt. The fear. The anguish. I left the house after lunch and reading in Matthew some of the events leading up to the Passover/Last supper, betrayal, and some of Jesus' thoughts on life, light, and his exact prediction and description of how he would die. I marveled at what the disciples must have thought as they saw it all play out exactly as he said. Were they shocked? Who can predict how they will die, and have it happen? 

I drove downtown in a silent car. Nothing but me, the engine, and the sound of the turn signal, clicking. Kind of crazy. This is unusual for me, because 364 days out of every year, I get into my car and reach for the stereo button, plugging in my iPod or listening to the radio. Unless I have passengers, of course, which is pretty rare. The whole day is just so jarring to me! Very theraputic. I was so excited and looking forward to walking the labyrinth. I've walked it for the past 6 years, and a few years before that when my family lived in CO the first time. Something I'm used to. Something I take for granted. It really was my own fault, not looking it up beforehand. So I got there, parked, walked in, and it turns out that this year the church decided to have the labyrinth open only one day--Thursday--, the day before.  Yep. Oh! I missed it by one day! Now what was I going to do? 

Well, it was a gorgeous, if not windy day, very warm and sunny. So, I drove to Red Rocks Canyon. It's somewhat similar to Garden of the God's, only more wildnerness and dirt trails. Pretty rugged. I was determined: I would walk somewhere, and still have that time of prayer and reflection, even if it meant stepping out of my norm. So I parked, and started hiking. This is the great thing about life: It always makes you step out of your comfort zone by taking you completely by surprise. Was I wearing hiking shoes or clothes? No. Did I have a water bottle? No. A hat? No. I was unprepared. I didn't plan any of it, which is perhaps what made me smile the most. As I walked, I couldn't help but think of how Jesus had been the normal for his disciples for years. They were used to being around him, seeing his teaching and miracles. He walked on the water, and so did Peter! He fed thousands of people with very little! He even raised Lazarus from the dead after 4 days. And then, Jesus was just suddenly yanked away from them. He was there, then he wasn't. And they didn't know for sure that he was going to rise from the dead, like we do, because we have the Bible and can look ahead. They either had great depression, or great faith. After taking a path that veered off to the right and didn't look like it went really anywhere exciting, I suddenly came out into this giant open space with huge red rocks looming up on either side. One of the rocks wasn't too high, and could easily be walked up, almost like a ramp. I walked up the rock carefully, getting higher and higher, and when I got to the top, my breath caught in a gasp: Three trees stood in front of the rock, overlooking a small lake that was shaped like... a heart. Like this <3 With Pikes Peak and the mountain range framed in the background. It was almost more than I could imagine. It was like God was saying, "Allison, climb up and sit here on this rock! You can't see what's ahead yet, but just wait until you get to the top! I'll provide all you need, and nudge your heart to reflection." WOW. No electronics, so no picture, but it was special nonetheless. I stayed and prayed for nearly an hour, not caring about the sun beating down on me or the wind whipping my hair crazily. Suddenly, not walking the labyrinth didn't bother me. It was just so like God to take me out of my protected, inside ritual; though I did it for a good reason every year, I was safe inside that church and surrounded by walls. This time, I was outside in the open, completely exposed, wind howling, and God was protecting me. Just as He was in my life, and always will. He knows what He has planned for me, and I, do not. I can trust and follow Him into the wildnerness, though, to be surprised by His grace, mercy, and provision. 

The rest of the day was spent reading about the crucifixion in all four of the gospels, taking a nap, going for a long walk as the sun was setting, and reading through 1st and 2nd Peter, which I was intrigued with. Not talking wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be this year. But everything else that happened, was. It was exactly what I needed. 

Holding On, Letting Go

It’s amazing how your mind handles change as you get older. Ok, I know 27 isn’t old, but compared to 10 years ago when I was 17, it feels older. When I was younger, I was fairly inflexible. Not completely, but in my later teenage years, our family was going through a lot of moving and chaos and things were just completely out of my control. I look back now and see that was probably one of the huge contributors to that inflexibility. I wanted to desperately have a sense of normalcy and a say in what happened with my life, that I think I perhaps held on a little too tightly to whatever I could. I had to know things in advance. I was in control. A lot of that came from fear. And believe me, I’m certainly not absent of fear in my current day-to-day life, but it has been amazing to see that the more freedom I’ve gained, the more flexible I’ve become! I think change is a good thing. 

What brought this on? Well, the first thing that tipped me off was that fact that I received 3 (three!) gift cards to a favorite sub place, all from different people, for my birthday. And then a gift card to my favorite frozen yogurt place. My friends know me! And I love that. But my gosh-- was I really that predictable? That always shakes you up a bit, thinking that. I’ve realized that living “on my own”, away from my family, has some downsides; namely, it has increased my routines and need for things to be the way I want them. When I lived with three other roommates for two years, I was thrown into three other people’s schedules, friend groups, wants, and random, spur of the moment ideas. This made me more flexible, and I loved it. It stretched me a LOT, something I was truly grateful for. I’m pretty sure God did it on purpose ;) But because of marriage and the house lease ending, we all went our own ways for housing choices, and I found myself once again ‘on my own’, more or less. I’m still flexible, but I’ve noticed a few routines creeping back. No! No! Nooooo! 

So here’s the thing that dawned on me today: Someday, who knows when in the future, I’ll probably get married. And then there will be someone else there, all of a sudden. One day you’re single, the next day, you’re married. Like a permanent roommate :) That person will have their routines, quirks, ways of doing things, and preferences. Change will be good again. This at one time used to make me stop and think: “Well, I’ll have to make sure this and this is done around the house, and I’d want the towels to be hung a certain way...” Ha! Which is just laughable to me now. As I get older and experience more of life, I notice that my ideas about change itself has... changed. So eloquent, I know. And brilliant. But it’s true! One day you’re used to sleeping by yourself for the past 27 years, and the next you think, oh, it won’t be much different to have someone else sleeping there beside me. Just as if, it’s as easy as breathing. No big deal. For years you think you want the towels to be hung a certain way, and then you suddenly could care less (or even what color the towels will be!). Where will you go on vacation? What kind of car will you drive? What if you find a *new* restaurant to eat at and enjoy?!  Life changes, and will continue to change, no matter what you go through, who you meet, what you do, or what you don’t do. This doesn’t mean you can just flitter around and be a ‘free spirit’ and live up life with reckless abandon, because you only live once, but it means making wise choices with your life and what you believe God is directing you to do.Yes, change is good. I say bring on the flexibility! Change changes you as you get older. 

Being Human

Humanity. A label that shows we are breathing, living, walking around and thinking. So different from any other thing on the planet. Distortions are so common in the human being. We say one thing, and do another. We set ourselves up to succeed, and then pride gets the better of us and we fall. I enjoy being human, but it's so complicated sometimes. Usually people don't pause to think about their humanity, unless they're in a dire situation or life and death scenario (thankfully, I am in neither!). But, I just couldn't help thinking about being human last Saturday night at a church service. The pastor, who is a brilliant speaker, merely brought up a verse reference to make a point in his sermon, but I will admit my brain froze for a few minutes on the thoughts behind the verse that he brought up. Then when it started back up again, I thought: Blog material! 

Matthew 4:1-11. The temptation of Jesus in the wilderness. I've read this part many times throughout the years, but for some reason I just never equated it with being human. I really don't know how I could have missed it.  Take a look:

¹ Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. ² After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. ³ The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.”

 ⁴ Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’ ”

 ⁵ Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. ⁶ “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written:

   “‘He will command his angels concerning you, 

   and they will lift you up in their hands, 

   so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’ ”

 ⁷ Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’ ”

 ⁸ Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. ⁹ “All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.”

 ¹⁰ Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.’ ”

 ¹¹ Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him.

I used to read this and think: "What an evil, crummy thing for the devil to do to Jesus! Didn't he know that Jesus could blow him to smithereens without even the fraction bit of effort? Why did God allow this? Strange." But here's what I realized: Jesus was God in the form of man. He came to earth, as we all know, as a little helpless baby and took on flesh, just like the rest of us. Hmm. Just like the rest of us. Yes, Jesus worked miracles and could probably wipe everyone off the earth with a snap of His fingers, but he didn't. It's hard to explain. He was God, and yet, he was in a man's, a human being's, body. Ten fingers and ten toes, muscles, skin, able to bleed. Satan seriously will stop at nothing. Satan knows who Jesus is. He even knows that he could never succeed at tempting God in any form or fashion. Ever. But... God is now... in the flesh. He has a human body. One that can be starved, beaten, bruised, hurt. He even has a brain. One that can reason, think, and use to communicate. Satan tries to get at the humanity side of Jesus. The flesh.

Without Jesus being in a body that can live, die, or be resurrected, we know that He could have never sacrificed His life for our sins. It wouldn't have been a sacrifice if Jesus wasn't human, just like the rest of us. I don't know if Satan thought that maybe he could somehow sway Jesus' flesh side. Not the God side, which was all splendor and glory, blameless, but the flesh impulses of a normal human being. After all, he was used to dealing with tempting humans in their flesh all the time. Would it work with Jesus? I wonder if both sides held their breaths, waiting to see what Jesus would do. Could his body stand it? He was perfect, right? He wouldn't cave! He couldn't! 

We know Satan didn't succeed, even in the slightest. But he still tries with us mere, flesh and bone humans. Sometimes I'm sure it seems like we're being tempted daily. All too often I see the struggles outlined in this passage coming to light in my life. Satan waited for Jesus to be hungry, having not eaten anything for 40 days. That's about as long as a human body can go without food before it starts shutting down. Then he said "If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread." Which, he could have done. He created stones out of nothing in the first place! Bread would have been easy. He could have had a whole banquet. 40 days is a long time! And again he tempted Jesus by taunting Him, telling him to throw himself off the highest point of the temple, because, obviously he would be saved. He was Jesus. I love the comebacks Jesus had! He used scripture every time. Scripture is what a human being, made of flesh, can use in any and every situation when they feel threatened by Satan. Jesus had otherwordly power, so much so that it's just mind blowing. But He didn't use it. He used a book man used-- the Bible. Very interesting.

My favorite part by far is when Satan says: "All this I will give you," he said, "if you will bow down and worship me." HA! How preposterous, right?! Satan, GIVE something to God that He already owned? Ridiculous. Why would Satan even say that if he knew Jesus had the whole world anyway? There's a lot that could be said about Satan and non-believers and the morality of it all... but I think, in the end, that this part of Matthew 4 can ultimately reassure you that, despite what Satan tries to tell you, or how much he tries to convince you that he owns everything and makes the world turn-- he doesn't. God does. And in the end, God wins anyway. When life is hard, Satan will try to get you down. To believe that he is the one pulling the strings on your life. That if you only bow down and worship him, he would take care of all your problems. Friends, don't be deceived. Jesus has been tempted and passed through it. So will you.

Tugging on the Heart

I’ve had another relationship epiphany. This one, surprisingly, is really, really simple. It’s something that is so plainly obvious, I’m sure you’ll be shaking your heads at me in despair in a few minutes here. But I bet you’re at least just a bit curious to know what I’m talking about, aren’t you? Thought so!

Guys, be prepared for an insight into a girl’s mind for a moment: We’re somewhat wired the way guys are. I have no idea if it’s just that, or emotions, or what, but yes, when a girl sees a guy who she considers attractive, she can’t help but like him. If only for a small amount of time, if necessary. Like my recent Facebook status, which was hilarious, wonderful, and disappointing all at once: “Just saw the most beautiful boy driving behind me, until he reached his hand out his car window... to flick his cigarette. Siiicck!” See? It’s almost like we can’t help it. I’m not remotely attracted to ANYONE who smokes. Gross. But, before I knew that, I just thought he was gorgeous. Just like I’m sure you guys have seen women on the street, or in a car, or at a random function, and before you can even help yourself or remind your brain that you don’t even know her name, for pities sake, you are instantly attracted to her. I blame it on being a human being. Hey, it could be worse.

So yes, on both gender sides we’ve each learned to control our emotions and impulses. However! Physical attraction can have some hidden downsides, even if it’s funny to poke fun at yourself in Facebook statuses. I’ve learned from past experiences that it’s very easy to like someone ‘from a distance’, without really even knowing too much about them. But then there’s the inevitable chance of actually getting to know the person, and you realize that not only are they physically attractive to you, but in other key areas as well. So then you really like them. But hold on a minute! It’s still just you! One sided relationships? Eh, I’ve heard they don’t work out so well.

This was my epiphany: As a girl, you may meet a certain guy, can’t help but like him, and even form a quick friendship, probably through shared activities or circumstances, but ladies, if THE GUY isn’t looking to get into a relationship or marriage, then it’s simply not going to happen. There. Simple, isn’t it? Yet, so aggravating! Seriously, if you like a guy and he’s enjoying being single or has his mind on other things going on in his life, it’s only going to be emotionally crushing to you when you sit around and wonder why he’s not grabbing his phone to feverishly dial your number and ask you out on a date before some other guy steals you away. I know, it’s amazing right? A guy enjoying being single? But it’s true! More and more guys in their 20’s are, simply put, having the time of their lives. Unless they’ve just come out of their parents house at the age of 19, bent on finding a wife and nothing else ASAP, the majority of young adult guys are actually living it up and liking it. And of course each guy is different, so I’m not generalizing, but it’s definitely a trend I’ve noticed. 

But so what, right? You just have to wait for THE GUY who does want to get married. One who is seeking a relationship (and not with reckless abandon-- red flag!), but is intentional about finding a girl who he can begin a relationship with that would be a lasting one, with the intent on someday marrying. Yes, there are guys like this out there. They may be rarer than we think or know of right now, but I promise you: Just wait. Wait on the Lord and His perfect timing, and leave the others to their X-boxes. They’ll either wake up someday with a strong desire to get married, having gotten all the single days out of their system, or they’ll just stay content living with their roommates, playing video games and thinking there could be nothing better.

Thankfulness

I can’t be the only one who notices that lately saying ‘Thank you’ has gone down the drain, right along with bringing a gift for your host or hostess, or even people hosting parties anymore. It’s sad. But not saying that you’re grateful for something that’s been given to you is even more than just sad, its selfish. And I have reasons! Oh boy do I have reasons. Wait, that doesn’t sound right. Of course I’m selfish sometimes. But I don’t have reasons for why I’m selfish. I have reasons....oh, never mind. Just read on (Thank you).

Being one of those people who are forced to get out of bed at the unnatural time of 4:30am every other Friday to drive to a satellite office, I have the oh so wonderful pleasure of riding with my fellow co-workers and boss together, while we listen to a mix station that I absolutely detest. Ah, it’s a great motivator to wake up in the dark :) Inevitably, the station has some sort of early morning contest going on for callers, and of course, someone always wins. Hooray for them, can I go back to sleep now? But then they win something big, never mind the fact that they had the stroke of luck to dial exactly at the right time to become the winner, and the prize is usually something like a trip to Belize or concert tickets or $500. Amazing, right? Who wouldn’t be psyched to get that just by dialing a number and being alive? But oh, no... these callers say their name, where they live, and once they find out they won, their shockingly bland and unexcited answer is usually: “Oh wow. Great. That’s really cool.” and then the DJ goes on to the next song. Hello?? Did I miss something? Where was the Thank You! But the truth is, the thank you is just not there a whole lot anymore, in many areas. Have we given up being thankful?

I think as a Christian it’s especially important to be thankful. On a daily basis for even the small things, like breathing or for not falling down the stairs in your ridiculous 5-inch heels, but also on a continuous basis for the grace God has shown you and extended to you. Grace is not something that is equated with thankfulness too often, but I see them as two halves of a whole. Without God’s grace, we’d be sunk. Life would really cease to exist in many ways. And if we hadn’t been shown God’s grace when He sent His son to die for US, then I don’t know where we’d be. So how could you not be thankful after hearing all this? Grace is being given something you need, but don’t deserve. I grew up being taught all the Miss Manners things, such as when you hear someone sneeze, you say ‘God bless you’ as a courtesy, and when someone gives you something or does something for you in a positive way, you say thank you! I always supposed everyone did life this way, and thought as I did. But get out into the world for a while as an adult, and you find that not everyone is thankful.

Entitlement! Oh, it’s big. More and more people are feeling entitled these days. I don’t know why, blame it on the economy or Hollywood or whatever you want, but entitlement is not going away any time soon, and it’s just plain annoying to me. For some reason, people just automatically are assuming that they are entitled to this, or that, or to anything and everything! So when it's given to them, they are entitled to it anyway, so why say thank you, right? Ha. Wrong. Who thinks they’re entitled to anything, really? Beyond basic human rights, of course, and things confined in the governed laws, but beyond that, we as humans are not entitled to a darn thing. We should be thankful for banks taking us on as customers, or that the local grocers carries the kind of apples we like. Where’s the thanks to the guys who pick up your trash every week, or the person emptying garbage cans at work? I know it sounds like I’m ranting, but really I just want to shake my head and wonder aloud why we aren’t saying thank you at least 10 times a day. Everyone likes to be thanked, and I’d say this day in age, some people would literally fall over if thanked. 

So may I suggest to you that next time you win something, or receive a surprise in the mail, or have someone cook a meal for you (even if they cook for you all the time! Hint: Your mom.), or maybe even just the person who holds the elevator for you: Smile and say thank you and genuinely mean it. You’ll not only be reflecting your inner attitude and Christ-like posture, but it will remind you of the grace you’re extending to others, and to which you have been extended to as well.

Thank you.

1 Song At A Time

iTunes really is quite amazing. Revolutionary, really, once you think about it more in depth. Now, before you say I've gone off the deep end, think back with me to the not-so-distant past... it's not too far... a mere 11 years ago. What were you doing in 2000? Other than breathing a sigh of relief that you won't be using that cabin you bought in that remote place, just in case of the world ending for Y2K, of course. Because I know you were concerned ;) No, in 2000 we were all still going to the stores and buying CD's. Walmart, Target, Family Christian, you name it; wherever you got your music from. It was the norm for most of us. Why? Because iTunes hadn't been introduced yet. In January 2001, this new thing called iTunes was launched by Apple, and as I look back now, I don't think anyone really could see how it would change a lot of us. Or even change the way we bought or thought about music.


Songs, songs, songs. Those glorious tracks on CD's that we eagerly anticipated hearing after our purchase. Remember what a wonderful feeling it was to start at #1 and go all the way to the last track, listening song by song? Of course, you had to, otherwise, how else would you know what songs you did or did not like? That was the part that always bothered me. I'd love half of the songs. Or all of them, save one or two. Or, maybe, and this was rare, I'd spend my hard earned money on a CD I was so looking forward to owning, and upon listening to it, realized I hated every single song except for the one they played on the radio that had drawn me in the first place! Why? Why couldn't these artists just produce amazing songs, #1 hits you might say, in each of the track slots? Why the slow song that I thought was too slow? Why did they even record this one? Ok, maybe that's a bit dramatic, but suffice it to say, 11 years ago, I was still a bit dramatic. But that wonderful thing called iTunes... now that was something special... something so different.


The revolutionary thing is that on iTunes, you didn't have to buy the entire album. I remember being blown away at even the thought or prospect of it. Who came up with this idea?! It's amazing! I don't have to spend $9, $10, or even $13 on the whole CD, just to find out I like only 3 of the songs? Incredible. Groundbreaking. I loved it. And oh! Wonders of all wonders, each song was a mere $0.99. Not even a whole dollar. Shy of one cent, this was enough to entice me over to "the iTunes side", and having only flung my dollars at a few occasional, actually round and hard CD's with the hole in the middle, I've barely looked back these last few years. Before, there was something mildly comforting in lugging around that case full of CD's, having to flip through the pages to find what you wanted, take it out, put it in the CD drive, and select the song. Now you just open iTunes and click. Convenient.


But as I was thinking this all over today, thinking back to how for years you go about doing one thing, and then something comes along, and now it's the new normal and you forget what you did for years... the 'ease' and 'convenience' of iTunes popped on a lightbulb in my head. We're a selective people. And iTunes caters to that, and they know it. We can now select what we do and do not want on our food at restaurants. We can select which spouse we want, and then, just as flippantly, select another if that one gets boring. The same goes for artists, and the way we've come about selecting our music. Don't like this particular artist, but that radio song is so catchy? Just download it! It's less than a dollar! Decide you don't like it again (after the fad dies down, two short weeks later)? Just delete it. You're only out a buck, right? Oh look! There's another new single out! I must have it! It's so cheap. It will download instantly, and cater to your every musical whim. Classical one day for your studious mood, rock the next for that extra boost to your self confidence. Why do we so easily snap at the chance to be so selective, not only on iTunes, but in our own lives as well? Is it doing good, or doing harm? Some might say, in the long run that it's not. It's just a song. How much damage could it do to your outlook? To the way you reason and think? Will the "Instant Nation" craze catch us up too, sweeping us along in its tides of pleasure seeking and the me-first mentality? Is it changing the way we look at artists and their value? Do we devalue them down to ninety-nine cents and that's it? Are their flashy and bright covers enough to pull us in to their popularity contests? We already have American musicians who have only published their album to iTunes, no physical copy whatsoever to be heard of. Who will be the next, great, big iTunes ten minute sensation? Made entirely that way solely by us, the listening public?


I like iTunes. I really do. I'm actually using it right now to listen to music as I write this. It's a revolutionary technical age we live in, adapting as we go... but still.. sometimes I wonder.

Life, Lived

Sometimes I am surprised at my life. Well, the life I live. I find myself, sometimes at the oddest times or in the most surprising circumstances, thinking to myself: 

“Allison, this is your life. You are living right now. You’re breathing. You are in this body that you feel and you are seeing this room surrounding you. It’s not made up. You’re not someone else. You’re you. You’re real.”

Life at 4am

Does that ever happen to you? We go through our lives every day, every second, normally pressing on and doing the things humans do, without stopping to think that we are human! Surprise! No matter how hard you try, you cannot transfer your conscience to another body (although I’m sure the majority of American’s would love to) and see and experience life differently. It’s strange. I’m not even really sure I’m describing my feelings accurately. Sometimes I think that my truest feelings show themselves in the first few moments after waking up, whether at 4am, 5:30am, or 6am. The natural, first grumpy desire of not wanting to wake up and wanting to go back to sleep is usually there at first, but then my brain comes alive and I either think about the day, my dream that I’ve just had, or the one I mentioned above about being alive. It happens once about ever 4-5 months, and is so random. Why? Why do I do that? Is God trying to tell me something?

This Life is Mine

I don’t lead a perfect life by far. As many of you know from past blogs, my heart still aches over past hurts, family issues, and the lack of funds to attend the college program I’ve been working towards for the past 12 years. And while I know that I will eventually reach my goals, I’m still eager to see what God has for my future and my life as a whole. I still sit back and marvel at all that He has done so far, and continues to do. Some of the things are utterly amazing and bring me to my knees in awe, and other things are frustrating or sad. I have a feeling that my brain does this ‘I’m alive’ thing as a reminder. A reminder for me not to become complacent, proud, or downtrodden. 

This IS my Life

Looking around you and accepting your life is a difficult thing to do. Who can build a perfect life? Who would want to? Without the oddities and perplexities of life, it would be very similar to everyone else’s, and the flavor and rhythm to life wouldn’t be there anymore. So why does my brain occasionally stop all other thought processes and freeze and fixate on the one, small, seemingly mundane fact that I am, indeed, alive? The emotions that go along with the realization are strange, and varied. I’m alive? Oh good. I’m alive-- wait, where am I? I am alive, this is real. More than likely the comical answer would be that since I write mostly fiction stories and have quite the imagination, my brain is reminding me that I’m not in a book. I haven’t just woken up from a dream that was my life. And I’m not in a dream, realizing I’m dreaming, about being someone else.  Oh, my brain hurts. Does yours?

Realization of Life

Some of us hide behind our lives. We embrace what we’ve built for ourselves, ignoring all else, holding on as tight as our fingers will allow. Others have no ambitions in life-- they go with the flow, ready for whatever comes next. What does your breath-breathing, heart-beating life say about you anyway? Am I selfish? Am I vain? Am I living my life for God, or for other things? Do I aim to bring glory to myself, or to The One who truly deserves it? Is life just defined as someone breathing? As their heart beating? As their brain functioning and synapsing? What if life was defined as something else entirely? Not on a living, thinking, breathing, eating scale, but a way of measuring what you were living for. We wouldn’t (I wouldn’t) have to stop, sit up in bed in the darkness of our rooms, look around in wonder and amazement and utter bewilderment, and think: “This is me. I’m alive right now.” Because life would be defined as something other than non-fiction. It would be that God created us, and he created us for one ultimate purpose: to bring Him glory. Glory though our actions. Glory though our words. Glory though everything. Glory through our lives. And this thought always covers over everything else that I'd been thinking up to that moment. I smile and come to the realization that the rest of what I'm going through doesn't really, in the long run, matter as much.

I am a human, and I live for the glory of God. I am alive.