Tugging on the Heart

I’ve had another relationship epiphany. This one, surprisingly, is really, really simple. It’s something that is so plainly obvious, I’m sure you’ll be shaking your heads at me in despair in a few minutes here. But I bet you’re at least just a bit curious to know what I’m talking about, aren’t you? Thought so!

Guys, be prepared for an insight into a girl’s mind for a moment: We’re somewhat wired the way guys are. I have no idea if it’s just that, or emotions, or what, but yes, when a girl sees a guy who she considers attractive, she can’t help but like him. If only for a small amount of time, if necessary. Like my recent Facebook status, which was hilarious, wonderful, and disappointing all at once: “Just saw the most beautiful boy driving behind me, until he reached his hand out his car window... to flick his cigarette. Siiicck!” See? It’s almost like we can’t help it. I’m not remotely attracted to ANYONE who smokes. Gross. But, before I knew that, I just thought he was gorgeous. Just like I’m sure you guys have seen women on the street, or in a car, or at a random function, and before you can even help yourself or remind your brain that you don’t even know her name, for pities sake, you are instantly attracted to her. I blame it on being a human being. Hey, it could be worse.

So yes, on both gender sides we’ve each learned to control our emotions and impulses. However! Physical attraction can have some hidden downsides, even if it’s funny to poke fun at yourself in Facebook statuses. I’ve learned from past experiences that it’s very easy to like someone ‘from a distance’, without really even knowing too much about them. But then there’s the inevitable chance of actually getting to know the person, and you realize that not only are they physically attractive to you, but in other key areas as well. So then you really like them. But hold on a minute! It’s still just you! One sided relationships? Eh, I’ve heard they don’t work out so well.

This was my epiphany: As a girl, you may meet a certain guy, can’t help but like him, and even form a quick friendship, probably through shared activities or circumstances, but ladies, if THE GUY isn’t looking to get into a relationship or marriage, then it’s simply not going to happen. There. Simple, isn’t it? Yet, so aggravating! Seriously, if you like a guy and he’s enjoying being single or has his mind on other things going on in his life, it’s only going to be emotionally crushing to you when you sit around and wonder why he’s not grabbing his phone to feverishly dial your number and ask you out on a date before some other guy steals you away. I know, it’s amazing right? A guy enjoying being single? But it’s true! More and more guys in their 20’s are, simply put, having the time of their lives. Unless they’ve just come out of their parents house at the age of 19, bent on finding a wife and nothing else ASAP, the majority of young adult guys are actually living it up and liking it. And of course each guy is different, so I’m not generalizing, but it’s definitely a trend I’ve noticed. 

But so what, right? You just have to wait for THE GUY who does want to get married. One who is seeking a relationship (and not with reckless abandon-- red flag!), but is intentional about finding a girl who he can begin a relationship with that would be a lasting one, with the intent on someday marrying. Yes, there are guys like this out there. They may be rarer than we think or know of right now, but I promise you: Just wait. Wait on the Lord and His perfect timing, and leave the others to their X-boxes. They’ll either wake up someday with a strong desire to get married, having gotten all the single days out of their system, or they’ll just stay content living with their roommates, playing video games and thinking there could be nothing better.

Thankfulness

I can’t be the only one who notices that lately saying ‘Thank you’ has gone down the drain, right along with bringing a gift for your host or hostess, or even people hosting parties anymore. It’s sad. But not saying that you’re grateful for something that’s been given to you is even more than just sad, its selfish. And I have reasons! Oh boy do I have reasons. Wait, that doesn’t sound right. Of course I’m selfish sometimes. But I don’t have reasons for why I’m selfish. I have reasons....oh, never mind. Just read on (Thank you).

Being one of those people who are forced to get out of bed at the unnatural time of 4:30am every other Friday to drive to a satellite office, I have the oh so wonderful pleasure of riding with my fellow co-workers and boss together, while we listen to a mix station that I absolutely detest. Ah, it’s a great motivator to wake up in the dark :) Inevitably, the station has some sort of early morning contest going on for callers, and of course, someone always wins. Hooray for them, can I go back to sleep now? But then they win something big, never mind the fact that they had the stroke of luck to dial exactly at the right time to become the winner, and the prize is usually something like a trip to Belize or concert tickets or $500. Amazing, right? Who wouldn’t be psyched to get that just by dialing a number and being alive? But oh, no... these callers say their name, where they live, and once they find out they won, their shockingly bland and unexcited answer is usually: “Oh wow. Great. That’s really cool.” and then the DJ goes on to the next song. Hello?? Did I miss something? Where was the Thank You! But the truth is, the thank you is just not there a whole lot anymore, in many areas. Have we given up being thankful?

I think as a Christian it’s especially important to be thankful. On a daily basis for even the small things, like breathing or for not falling down the stairs in your ridiculous 5-inch heels, but also on a continuous basis for the grace God has shown you and extended to you. Grace is not something that is equated with thankfulness too often, but I see them as two halves of a whole. Without God’s grace, we’d be sunk. Life would really cease to exist in many ways. And if we hadn’t been shown God’s grace when He sent His son to die for US, then I don’t know where we’d be. So how could you not be thankful after hearing all this? Grace is being given something you need, but don’t deserve. I grew up being taught all the Miss Manners things, such as when you hear someone sneeze, you say ‘God bless you’ as a courtesy, and when someone gives you something or does something for you in a positive way, you say thank you! I always supposed everyone did life this way, and thought as I did. But get out into the world for a while as an adult, and you find that not everyone is thankful.

Entitlement! Oh, it’s big. More and more people are feeling entitled these days. I don’t know why, blame it on the economy or Hollywood or whatever you want, but entitlement is not going away any time soon, and it’s just plain annoying to me. For some reason, people just automatically are assuming that they are entitled to this, or that, or to anything and everything! So when it's given to them, they are entitled to it anyway, so why say thank you, right? Ha. Wrong. Who thinks they’re entitled to anything, really? Beyond basic human rights, of course, and things confined in the governed laws, but beyond that, we as humans are not entitled to a darn thing. We should be thankful for banks taking us on as customers, or that the local grocers carries the kind of apples we like. Where’s the thanks to the guys who pick up your trash every week, or the person emptying garbage cans at work? I know it sounds like I’m ranting, but really I just want to shake my head and wonder aloud why we aren’t saying thank you at least 10 times a day. Everyone likes to be thanked, and I’d say this day in age, some people would literally fall over if thanked. 

So may I suggest to you that next time you win something, or receive a surprise in the mail, or have someone cook a meal for you (even if they cook for you all the time! Hint: Your mom.), or maybe even just the person who holds the elevator for you: Smile and say thank you and genuinely mean it. You’ll not only be reflecting your inner attitude and Christ-like posture, but it will remind you of the grace you’re extending to others, and to which you have been extended to as well.

Thank you.

1 Song At A Time

iTunes really is quite amazing. Revolutionary, really, once you think about it more in depth. Now, before you say I've gone off the deep end, think back with me to the not-so-distant past... it's not too far... a mere 11 years ago. What were you doing in 2000? Other than breathing a sigh of relief that you won't be using that cabin you bought in that remote place, just in case of the world ending for Y2K, of course. Because I know you were concerned ;) No, in 2000 we were all still going to the stores and buying CD's. Walmart, Target, Family Christian, you name it; wherever you got your music from. It was the norm for most of us. Why? Because iTunes hadn't been introduced yet. In January 2001, this new thing called iTunes was launched by Apple, and as I look back now, I don't think anyone really could see how it would change a lot of us. Or even change the way we bought or thought about music.


Songs, songs, songs. Those glorious tracks on CD's that we eagerly anticipated hearing after our purchase. Remember what a wonderful feeling it was to start at #1 and go all the way to the last track, listening song by song? Of course, you had to, otherwise, how else would you know what songs you did or did not like? That was the part that always bothered me. I'd love half of the songs. Or all of them, save one or two. Or, maybe, and this was rare, I'd spend my hard earned money on a CD I was so looking forward to owning, and upon listening to it, realized I hated every single song except for the one they played on the radio that had drawn me in the first place! Why? Why couldn't these artists just produce amazing songs, #1 hits you might say, in each of the track slots? Why the slow song that I thought was too slow? Why did they even record this one? Ok, maybe that's a bit dramatic, but suffice it to say, 11 years ago, I was still a bit dramatic. But that wonderful thing called iTunes... now that was something special... something so different.


The revolutionary thing is that on iTunes, you didn't have to buy the entire album. I remember being blown away at even the thought or prospect of it. Who came up with this idea?! It's amazing! I don't have to spend $9, $10, or even $13 on the whole CD, just to find out I like only 3 of the songs? Incredible. Groundbreaking. I loved it. And oh! Wonders of all wonders, each song was a mere $0.99. Not even a whole dollar. Shy of one cent, this was enough to entice me over to "the iTunes side", and having only flung my dollars at a few occasional, actually round and hard CD's with the hole in the middle, I've barely looked back these last few years. Before, there was something mildly comforting in lugging around that case full of CD's, having to flip through the pages to find what you wanted, take it out, put it in the CD drive, and select the song. Now you just open iTunes and click. Convenient.


But as I was thinking this all over today, thinking back to how for years you go about doing one thing, and then something comes along, and now it's the new normal and you forget what you did for years... the 'ease' and 'convenience' of iTunes popped on a lightbulb in my head. We're a selective people. And iTunes caters to that, and they know it. We can now select what we do and do not want on our food at restaurants. We can select which spouse we want, and then, just as flippantly, select another if that one gets boring. The same goes for artists, and the way we've come about selecting our music. Don't like this particular artist, but that radio song is so catchy? Just download it! It's less than a dollar! Decide you don't like it again (after the fad dies down, two short weeks later)? Just delete it. You're only out a buck, right? Oh look! There's another new single out! I must have it! It's so cheap. It will download instantly, and cater to your every musical whim. Classical one day for your studious mood, rock the next for that extra boost to your self confidence. Why do we so easily snap at the chance to be so selective, not only on iTunes, but in our own lives as well? Is it doing good, or doing harm? Some might say, in the long run that it's not. It's just a song. How much damage could it do to your outlook? To the way you reason and think? Will the "Instant Nation" craze catch us up too, sweeping us along in its tides of pleasure seeking and the me-first mentality? Is it changing the way we look at artists and their value? Do we devalue them down to ninety-nine cents and that's it? Are their flashy and bright covers enough to pull us in to their popularity contests? We already have American musicians who have only published their album to iTunes, no physical copy whatsoever to be heard of. Who will be the next, great, big iTunes ten minute sensation? Made entirely that way solely by us, the listening public?


I like iTunes. I really do. I'm actually using it right now to listen to music as I write this. It's a revolutionary technical age we live in, adapting as we go... but still.. sometimes I wonder.

Life, Lived

Sometimes I am surprised at my life. Well, the life I live. I find myself, sometimes at the oddest times or in the most surprising circumstances, thinking to myself: 

“Allison, this is your life. You are living right now. You’re breathing. You are in this body that you feel and you are seeing this room surrounding you. It’s not made up. You’re not someone else. You’re you. You’re real.”

Life at 4am

Does that ever happen to you? We go through our lives every day, every second, normally pressing on and doing the things humans do, without stopping to think that we are human! Surprise! No matter how hard you try, you cannot transfer your conscience to another body (although I’m sure the majority of American’s would love to) and see and experience life differently. It’s strange. I’m not even really sure I’m describing my feelings accurately. Sometimes I think that my truest feelings show themselves in the first few moments after waking up, whether at 4am, 5:30am, or 6am. The natural, first grumpy desire of not wanting to wake up and wanting to go back to sleep is usually there at first, but then my brain comes alive and I either think about the day, my dream that I’ve just had, or the one I mentioned above about being alive. It happens once about ever 4-5 months, and is so random. Why? Why do I do that? Is God trying to tell me something?

This Life is Mine

I don’t lead a perfect life by far. As many of you know from past blogs, my heart still aches over past hurts, family issues, and the lack of funds to attend the college program I’ve been working towards for the past 12 years. And while I know that I will eventually reach my goals, I’m still eager to see what God has for my future and my life as a whole. I still sit back and marvel at all that He has done so far, and continues to do. Some of the things are utterly amazing and bring me to my knees in awe, and other things are frustrating or sad. I have a feeling that my brain does this ‘I’m alive’ thing as a reminder. A reminder for me not to become complacent, proud, or downtrodden. 

This IS my Life

Looking around you and accepting your life is a difficult thing to do. Who can build a perfect life? Who would want to? Without the oddities and perplexities of life, it would be very similar to everyone else’s, and the flavor and rhythm to life wouldn’t be there anymore. So why does my brain occasionally stop all other thought processes and freeze and fixate on the one, small, seemingly mundane fact that I am, indeed, alive? The emotions that go along with the realization are strange, and varied. I’m alive? Oh good. I’m alive-- wait, where am I? I am alive, this is real. More than likely the comical answer would be that since I write mostly fiction stories and have quite the imagination, my brain is reminding me that I’m not in a book. I haven’t just woken up from a dream that was my life. And I’m not in a dream, realizing I’m dreaming, about being someone else.  Oh, my brain hurts. Does yours?

Realization of Life

Some of us hide behind our lives. We embrace what we’ve built for ourselves, ignoring all else, holding on as tight as our fingers will allow. Others have no ambitions in life-- they go with the flow, ready for whatever comes next. What does your breath-breathing, heart-beating life say about you anyway? Am I selfish? Am I vain? Am I living my life for God, or for other things? Do I aim to bring glory to myself, or to The One who truly deserves it? Is life just defined as someone breathing? As their heart beating? As their brain functioning and synapsing? What if life was defined as something else entirely? Not on a living, thinking, breathing, eating scale, but a way of measuring what you were living for. We wouldn’t (I wouldn’t) have to stop, sit up in bed in the darkness of our rooms, look around in wonder and amazement and utter bewilderment, and think: “This is me. I’m alive right now.” Because life would be defined as something other than non-fiction. It would be that God created us, and he created us for one ultimate purpose: to bring Him glory. Glory though our actions. Glory though our words. Glory though everything. Glory through our lives. And this thought always covers over everything else that I'd been thinking up to that moment. I smile and come to the realization that the rest of what I'm going through doesn't really, in the long run, matter as much.

I am a human, and I live for the glory of God. I am alive.

Guys: Unintentional Intentions (Whoops!)

Guys, I hate to let you in on this secret of the female mind, but let me just tell you: If you spend any amount of substantial time with a girl who you believe to truly just be “a friend”, then it’s already too late. She’s already thought about it, wondered about it, and more than likely spent a good amount of time praying about whether your intentions will go beyond anything other than this friendship you’re in. That’s pretty much just how most of our minds work. And let me tell you, I don’t enjoy it one bit. It’s not fun to hang out with a guy on and off for a while and have relationship thoughts creep up slowly at the back of your head, nudging your doubts on and prolonging the agony. Does he like me? Does he not? Does he really just see me as a friend? WHY is he not seeing that I like him? Maybe he just enjoys being single. Maybe I’m not his type in the slightest. Maybe it’s the color of my hair. Maybe the way I dress...

Pathetic as this may seem guys, a girl will think this at one time or another in her life, like it or not. And since I’m not a guy, I unfortunately can’t add my thoughts about what goes on in their mind when hanging out with a girl and after weeks and weeks, are still utterly content to be simply friends and nothing more. Maybe you agonize over it the way we do, or have doubts or fears. Maybe you really do enjoy being single where you are in life... and probably until most of us ladies get married, the male mind will still remain elusively hard to figure out. There will of course be times when one or both of us will NOT think those thoughts of wondering, but instead wonder if we’re giving off the wrong impression and are making the other person think we’re interested in them, when we’re not. That’s equally hard. What a balance! On one hand, as either a guy or a girl, you can’t be too forward, or too laid back.

Too forward, Allison, really? Yes. I’d wholeheartedly recommend you don’t do this the first time you meet a girl, as it will seriously creep her out:

Girl: Hi, I’m Jessica. What’s your name?

Guy: MynameisBobWowyou’reamazingwillyoumarryme??

Whereas you can go to the far extreme and probably still be single at 40, by your own doing:

Girl: You know Bob, we’ve been friends for the past 15 years and hung out exclusively every single weekend and you’ve never even looked me in the eyes. I’m starting to wonder if I should marry Harry, since he just asked me again for the 11th time.

Guy: Fifteen years? That’s all?

So now you need to assess your perhaps unintentional intentions. You may have no intentions whatsoever to this girl, or quite a few girls you hang out with all the time and seem to be best of buds with, or you may secretly like one of them, and just.... I don’t know... haven’t wanted to ask? Haven’t wanted to ruin a perfectly good friendship? Face rejection? Put forth the money and time it may take to date someone seriously? Because, yes, it can sometimes be expensive. You may get rejected. You may have to not spend as much time with your other girl friends, and that would be sad. Every guy has his reasons, and I commend you for those if they’re honorable. But let me just let you know that you may one day wake up and that girl will have given up all hope of you ever noticing her, or becoming more than friends. One day you may wake up, and find out that you’ve been mistakenly hurting someone’s feelings, or unintentionally showing emotions and certain actions and affections that only someone who is interested in a girl would show. Maybe you’ll wake up and realize you don’t want to be single forever. 

Whatever your reasons, I encourage you to stop, sit down, and evaluate every single relationship, deep or not, that you, as a guy, have with each girl you know. Is it honorable? Are you taking their feelings into account? Are you leading them on unintentionally? You may be surprised to find that you are not. And then again... you may find that you are. You can do it! It’ll only benefit you in the long run. Adventure awaits!

NOOK and Kindle, here comes The Amazings!

Well, I finally got with the times and made my book, The Amazings, available for the NOOK and Kindle eBook readers, and I'm so excited!

You can find it for $4 at either Barnes and Noble or Amazon, and the links are below. Happy reading!

Barnes and Noble: The Amazings (NOOK)

Amazon: The Amazings (Kindle)

Insatiable Need to Write

I have a confession to make: I can't stop thinking about writing. Now, before you laugh, wave your hand in a dismissive manner and say "Allison, that's because you're an author", no! I mean, it's something I literally cannot help thinking about. I want to write. I have to write. Something, anything, preferably something with substance. It's like, here's Allison, look at her: Half a person without her outlet for writing. Is that weird? I feel drawn out and stretched in an uncomfortable way when I haven't written on a story or blog in a while. And oh man, it's been WEEKS. I like coffee, but to me, going without writing is like being one of those people who drinks 3 cups of coffee a day, and then suddenly finds out all the caffeine in the world has magically vanished into thin air. Gasp!

It's very frustrating. And I've discovered something else about me too, that I'm warily looking into, because it's something new and ridiculous. And frustrating. I already said that, didn't I? Well, anyway, this new ridiculous something is that I've found I can no longer read. Smart comments to yourself, obviously I can read, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this or anything else, but I mean in the past few months, I've discovered that I can't read a book or novel or even short story or article without squirming in my chair. I don't want to read, I want to write! I open a new book I've just checked out from the library, and it looks fascinating, but by page 2 or 3, my mind starts to wander... it starts reminding me that I should and could be writing on the sequel I've started. Holding the book in my hands reminds me that my story could someday be a book, being held in someone's hands, if ONLY I'D WRITE IT. I read the witty words the author has put down for my enjoyment and enlightenment, and long to be doing the same. I end up closing the book, having spent no more than 5 minutes with it. Sigh.

But do I actually get off the couch, grab my laptop, and start typing like a mad person making up for lost time? No. No I don't. I might open the document once in a while and read through what I have so far, frown at how little I have and how far I've got to go, and my head hurts with the details, characters, and plot lines I still have to type. It's all up there, in my mind, don't get me wrong. The whole entire book is in my head. So why don't I write it? Sometimes I think I lack "the push". With my first book, I had a friend who clamored to read each chapter when it was written. He prodded me to write more. Wanted to know why I'd just killed off his favorite character, much to my delight. But that's ridiculous. Not every writer or author has someone standing over their figurative shoulder, saying "Are you done yet? What's going to happen in the next chapter?" That's such bold faced vanity, I just push it to the back of my mind and plod along. No writing gets done, and my frustration grows deeper. I have this insatiable need to write, to express myself, to get the words, images, and characters out of my head and onto the paper. I just don't know what to do with this insatiable need, other than the obvious choice, of course. 

I need help