1 Song At A Time

iTunes really is quite amazing. Revolutionary, really, once you think about it more in depth. Now, before you say I've gone off the deep end, think back with me to the not-so-distant past... it's not too far... a mere 11 years ago. What were you doing in 2000? Other than breathing a sigh of relief that you won't be using that cabin you bought in that remote place, just in case of the world ending for Y2K, of course. Because I know you were concerned ;) No, in 2000 we were all still going to the stores and buying CD's. Walmart, Target, Family Christian, you name it; wherever you got your music from. It was the norm for most of us. Why? Because iTunes hadn't been introduced yet. In January 2001, this new thing called iTunes was launched by Apple, and as I look back now, I don't think anyone really could see how it would change a lot of us. Or even change the way we bought or thought about music.


Songs, songs, songs. Those glorious tracks on CD's that we eagerly anticipated hearing after our purchase. Remember what a wonderful feeling it was to start at #1 and go all the way to the last track, listening song by song? Of course, you had to, otherwise, how else would you know what songs you did or did not like? That was the part that always bothered me. I'd love half of the songs. Or all of them, save one or two. Or, maybe, and this was rare, I'd spend my hard earned money on a CD I was so looking forward to owning, and upon listening to it, realized I hated every single song except for the one they played on the radio that had drawn me in the first place! Why? Why couldn't these artists just produce amazing songs, #1 hits you might say, in each of the track slots? Why the slow song that I thought was too slow? Why did they even record this one? Ok, maybe that's a bit dramatic, but suffice it to say, 11 years ago, I was still a bit dramatic. But that wonderful thing called iTunes... now that was something special... something so different.


The revolutionary thing is that on iTunes, you didn't have to buy the entire album. I remember being blown away at even the thought or prospect of it. Who came up with this idea?! It's amazing! I don't have to spend $9, $10, or even $13 on the whole CD, just to find out I like only 3 of the songs? Incredible. Groundbreaking. I loved it. And oh! Wonders of all wonders, each song was a mere $0.99. Not even a whole dollar. Shy of one cent, this was enough to entice me over to "the iTunes side", and having only flung my dollars at a few occasional, actually round and hard CD's with the hole in the middle, I've barely looked back these last few years. Before, there was something mildly comforting in lugging around that case full of CD's, having to flip through the pages to find what you wanted, take it out, put it in the CD drive, and select the song. Now you just open iTunes and click. Convenient.


But as I was thinking this all over today, thinking back to how for years you go about doing one thing, and then something comes along, and now it's the new normal and you forget what you did for years... the 'ease' and 'convenience' of iTunes popped on a lightbulb in my head. We're a selective people. And iTunes caters to that, and they know it. We can now select what we do and do not want on our food at restaurants. We can select which spouse we want, and then, just as flippantly, select another if that one gets boring. The same goes for artists, and the way we've come about selecting our music. Don't like this particular artist, but that radio song is so catchy? Just download it! It's less than a dollar! Decide you don't like it again (after the fad dies down, two short weeks later)? Just delete it. You're only out a buck, right? Oh look! There's another new single out! I must have it! It's so cheap. It will download instantly, and cater to your every musical whim. Classical one day for your studious mood, rock the next for that extra boost to your self confidence. Why do we so easily snap at the chance to be so selective, not only on iTunes, but in our own lives as well? Is it doing good, or doing harm? Some might say, in the long run that it's not. It's just a song. How much damage could it do to your outlook? To the way you reason and think? Will the "Instant Nation" craze catch us up too, sweeping us along in its tides of pleasure seeking and the me-first mentality? Is it changing the way we look at artists and their value? Do we devalue them down to ninety-nine cents and that's it? Are their flashy and bright covers enough to pull us in to their popularity contests? We already have American musicians who have only published their album to iTunes, no physical copy whatsoever to be heard of. Who will be the next, great, big iTunes ten minute sensation? Made entirely that way solely by us, the listening public?


I like iTunes. I really do. I'm actually using it right now to listen to music as I write this. It's a revolutionary technical age we live in, adapting as we go... but still.. sometimes I wonder.

Life, Lived

Sometimes I am surprised at my life. Well, the life I live. I find myself, sometimes at the oddest times or in the most surprising circumstances, thinking to myself: 

“Allison, this is your life. You are living right now. You’re breathing. You are in this body that you feel and you are seeing this room surrounding you. It’s not made up. You’re not someone else. You’re you. You’re real.”

Life at 4am

Does that ever happen to you? We go through our lives every day, every second, normally pressing on and doing the things humans do, without stopping to think that we are human! Surprise! No matter how hard you try, you cannot transfer your conscience to another body (although I’m sure the majority of American’s would love to) and see and experience life differently. It’s strange. I’m not even really sure I’m describing my feelings accurately. Sometimes I think that my truest feelings show themselves in the first few moments after waking up, whether at 4am, 5:30am, or 6am. The natural, first grumpy desire of not wanting to wake up and wanting to go back to sleep is usually there at first, but then my brain comes alive and I either think about the day, my dream that I’ve just had, or the one I mentioned above about being alive. It happens once about ever 4-5 months, and is so random. Why? Why do I do that? Is God trying to tell me something?

This Life is Mine

I don’t lead a perfect life by far. As many of you know from past blogs, my heart still aches over past hurts, family issues, and the lack of funds to attend the college program I’ve been working towards for the past 12 years. And while I know that I will eventually reach my goals, I’m still eager to see what God has for my future and my life as a whole. I still sit back and marvel at all that He has done so far, and continues to do. Some of the things are utterly amazing and bring me to my knees in awe, and other things are frustrating or sad. I have a feeling that my brain does this ‘I’m alive’ thing as a reminder. A reminder for me not to become complacent, proud, or downtrodden. 

This IS my Life

Looking around you and accepting your life is a difficult thing to do. Who can build a perfect life? Who would want to? Without the oddities and perplexities of life, it would be very similar to everyone else’s, and the flavor and rhythm to life wouldn’t be there anymore. So why does my brain occasionally stop all other thought processes and freeze and fixate on the one, small, seemingly mundane fact that I am, indeed, alive? The emotions that go along with the realization are strange, and varied. I’m alive? Oh good. I’m alive-- wait, where am I? I am alive, this is real. More than likely the comical answer would be that since I write mostly fiction stories and have quite the imagination, my brain is reminding me that I’m not in a book. I haven’t just woken up from a dream that was my life. And I’m not in a dream, realizing I’m dreaming, about being someone else.  Oh, my brain hurts. Does yours?

Realization of Life

Some of us hide behind our lives. We embrace what we’ve built for ourselves, ignoring all else, holding on as tight as our fingers will allow. Others have no ambitions in life-- they go with the flow, ready for whatever comes next. What does your breath-breathing, heart-beating life say about you anyway? Am I selfish? Am I vain? Am I living my life for God, or for other things? Do I aim to bring glory to myself, or to The One who truly deserves it? Is life just defined as someone breathing? As their heart beating? As their brain functioning and synapsing? What if life was defined as something else entirely? Not on a living, thinking, breathing, eating scale, but a way of measuring what you were living for. We wouldn’t (I wouldn’t) have to stop, sit up in bed in the darkness of our rooms, look around in wonder and amazement and utter bewilderment, and think: “This is me. I’m alive right now.” Because life would be defined as something other than non-fiction. It would be that God created us, and he created us for one ultimate purpose: to bring Him glory. Glory though our actions. Glory though our words. Glory though everything. Glory through our lives. And this thought always covers over everything else that I'd been thinking up to that moment. I smile and come to the realization that the rest of what I'm going through doesn't really, in the long run, matter as much.

I am a human, and I live for the glory of God. I am alive.

Guys: Unintentional Intentions (Whoops!)

Guys, I hate to let you in on this secret of the female mind, but let me just tell you: If you spend any amount of substantial time with a girl who you believe to truly just be “a friend”, then it’s already too late. She’s already thought about it, wondered about it, and more than likely spent a good amount of time praying about whether your intentions will go beyond anything other than this friendship you’re in. That’s pretty much just how most of our minds work. And let me tell you, I don’t enjoy it one bit. It’s not fun to hang out with a guy on and off for a while and have relationship thoughts creep up slowly at the back of your head, nudging your doubts on and prolonging the agony. Does he like me? Does he not? Does he really just see me as a friend? WHY is he not seeing that I like him? Maybe he just enjoys being single. Maybe I’m not his type in the slightest. Maybe it’s the color of my hair. Maybe the way I dress...

Pathetic as this may seem guys, a girl will think this at one time or another in her life, like it or not. And since I’m not a guy, I unfortunately can’t add my thoughts about what goes on in their mind when hanging out with a girl and after weeks and weeks, are still utterly content to be simply friends and nothing more. Maybe you agonize over it the way we do, or have doubts or fears. Maybe you really do enjoy being single where you are in life... and probably until most of us ladies get married, the male mind will still remain elusively hard to figure out. There will of course be times when one or both of us will NOT think those thoughts of wondering, but instead wonder if we’re giving off the wrong impression and are making the other person think we’re interested in them, when we’re not. That’s equally hard. What a balance! On one hand, as either a guy or a girl, you can’t be too forward, or too laid back.

Too forward, Allison, really? Yes. I’d wholeheartedly recommend you don’t do this the first time you meet a girl, as it will seriously creep her out:

Girl: Hi, I’m Jessica. What’s your name?

Guy: MynameisBobWowyou’reamazingwillyoumarryme??

Whereas you can go to the far extreme and probably still be single at 40, by your own doing:

Girl: You know Bob, we’ve been friends for the past 15 years and hung out exclusively every single weekend and you’ve never even looked me in the eyes. I’m starting to wonder if I should marry Harry, since he just asked me again for the 11th time.

Guy: Fifteen years? That’s all?

So now you need to assess your perhaps unintentional intentions. You may have no intentions whatsoever to this girl, or quite a few girls you hang out with all the time and seem to be best of buds with, or you may secretly like one of them, and just.... I don’t know... haven’t wanted to ask? Haven’t wanted to ruin a perfectly good friendship? Face rejection? Put forth the money and time it may take to date someone seriously? Because, yes, it can sometimes be expensive. You may get rejected. You may have to not spend as much time with your other girl friends, and that would be sad. Every guy has his reasons, and I commend you for those if they’re honorable. But let me just let you know that you may one day wake up and that girl will have given up all hope of you ever noticing her, or becoming more than friends. One day you may wake up, and find out that you’ve been mistakenly hurting someone’s feelings, or unintentionally showing emotions and certain actions and affections that only someone who is interested in a girl would show. Maybe you’ll wake up and realize you don’t want to be single forever. 

Whatever your reasons, I encourage you to stop, sit down, and evaluate every single relationship, deep or not, that you, as a guy, have with each girl you know. Is it honorable? Are you taking their feelings into account? Are you leading them on unintentionally? You may be surprised to find that you are not. And then again... you may find that you are. You can do it! It’ll only benefit you in the long run. Adventure awaits!

NOOK and Kindle, here comes The Amazings!

Well, I finally got with the times and made my book, The Amazings, available for the NOOK and Kindle eBook readers, and I'm so excited!

You can find it for $4 at either Barnes and Noble or Amazon, and the links are below. Happy reading!

Barnes and Noble: The Amazings (NOOK)

Amazon: The Amazings (Kindle)

Insatiable Need to Write

I have a confession to make: I can't stop thinking about writing. Now, before you laugh, wave your hand in a dismissive manner and say "Allison, that's because you're an author", no! I mean, it's something I literally cannot help thinking about. I want to write. I have to write. Something, anything, preferably something with substance. It's like, here's Allison, look at her: Half a person without her outlet for writing. Is that weird? I feel drawn out and stretched in an uncomfortable way when I haven't written on a story or blog in a while. And oh man, it's been WEEKS. I like coffee, but to me, going without writing is like being one of those people who drinks 3 cups of coffee a day, and then suddenly finds out all the caffeine in the world has magically vanished into thin air. Gasp!

It's very frustrating. And I've discovered something else about me too, that I'm warily looking into, because it's something new and ridiculous. And frustrating. I already said that, didn't I? Well, anyway, this new ridiculous something is that I've found I can no longer read. Smart comments to yourself, obviously I can read, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this or anything else, but I mean in the past few months, I've discovered that I can't read a book or novel or even short story or article without squirming in my chair. I don't want to read, I want to write! I open a new book I've just checked out from the library, and it looks fascinating, but by page 2 or 3, my mind starts to wander... it starts reminding me that I should and could be writing on the sequel I've started. Holding the book in my hands reminds me that my story could someday be a book, being held in someone's hands, if ONLY I'D WRITE IT. I read the witty words the author has put down for my enjoyment and enlightenment, and long to be doing the same. I end up closing the book, having spent no more than 5 minutes with it. Sigh.

But do I actually get off the couch, grab my laptop, and start typing like a mad person making up for lost time? No. No I don't. I might open the document once in a while and read through what I have so far, frown at how little I have and how far I've got to go, and my head hurts with the details, characters, and plot lines I still have to type. It's all up there, in my mind, don't get me wrong. The whole entire book is in my head. So why don't I write it? Sometimes I think I lack "the push". With my first book, I had a friend who clamored to read each chapter when it was written. He prodded me to write more. Wanted to know why I'd just killed off his favorite character, much to my delight. But that's ridiculous. Not every writer or author has someone standing over their figurative shoulder, saying "Are you done yet? What's going to happen in the next chapter?" That's such bold faced vanity, I just push it to the back of my mind and plod along. No writing gets done, and my frustration grows deeper. I have this insatiable need to write, to express myself, to get the words, images, and characters out of my head and onto the paper. I just don't know what to do with this insatiable need, other than the obvious choice, of course. 

I need help

The Cinematography Life

What’s the point of a seemingly pointless movie? That wonderful and frustrating phenomenon of sitting through a whole 2+ hour movie, only to get to the end, and realize you just wasted 2+ hours of your life that you can never get back. I’ve seen a few movies like that, and just recently watched one that was particularly pointless. I won’t even bother to mention what it was, to save you the time and energy of watching it yourself, because I know you all are optimists and you think that it couldn’t be all THAT bad, right? 

In a way, you’re right. There’s good in everything, if we only choose to see it. This movie was peppered (I love using that word in non-cooking contexts) with swear words, was long, had two bizarre and non-inner connected plots going at the same time, and had absolutely no plot absolution at the end. But-- it was shot in the most beautiful and artful way. The filming was exquisite. The rest? Not so much. Not even at all. So where am I going with this? Where do I always go with things like this?

Life, of course. Life sometimes has this interesting way of reminding us that parts of it can be like that long, confusing, beautiful cinematography film. You think there’s no plot, no rhyme or reason to what’s been going on in your life... and yet, the hand of God is there, orchestrating everything. Even if it is unseen, or still to be revealed to you. You may get to glance back later and see that everything was working together according to His will. And how fantastic that will be! You just have to let go.

Let go of the past. Let go of trying to figure things out that you just can’t figure out. Sometimes the plot doesn’t make sense. But the good news is: There’s always a plot. Isn’t that wonderful? The intention is always there, you know that. The director obviously made the film for a reason, never mind that it’s totally unclear to you, though. God has a plan for you. Has a reason for making you and creating this story you’re in right now. Maybe it just seems long and drawn out for some reason.

Maybe you sort of fell asleep on the couch of your life for a few minutes or hours, and completely missed it. 

Maybe you had the sound turned down.

Maybe you were distracted too much by other things (yeah, your cell phone. Facebook) to catch the subtleties in the plot to see what it’s all about.

Maybe you...

Maybe.

Life is not a movie. A movie is not life. But everyone has that story, that plot. Secret or not. You just have to look for what the Director is trying to say with what He’s given you, and trust that, in the end, He’ll have completed His beautifully shot work. In you.

Life Lessons: Expectations

Don't you dislike hearing or seeing those two words: Life Lessons. It almost sends a shudder down your spine. It's like an instant moment of panic and disgust all wrapped up into one, since you know you're about to get a talking-to that you don't want to hear or read about. I'm not a fan of those two words put together either, but in this case, it's so true. Life has taught me a few lessons lately. Well, more like walloped me over the head with them.. but you'll have to find that out for yourself :D

#1 
I'm a fan of some of the movies by M. Night Shyamalan, like The Village, Signs, Lady in the Water, and The Last Airbender. So, when I saw the trailer for his newest 'thriller', I just knew it would have all the classic jump elements, suspense, and surprise twist ending that M. Night has become so very famous for. He always puts a good vs. evil plot line in, and good always wins in the end, the hero saving the day. Now, I never go into a movie blind, so to speak, so I reviewed it first, knowing full well that there were some scary parts, some creepy images, etc. But I was still so excited. I wanted to see it. I wanted to go to the theater and sit there and love the movie. I had expectations. Automatically, I thought by default that it would be like his other movies that I've enjoyed. Relatively tame, with a few "eek!" moments thrown in here and there. Like any good thriller should be. He's practically set the standard in his field, anyway, so I expected that this one would be no different. A few weeks after the movie came out in theaters, I decided to go see it. I arrived, and found that I was the only person in the entire theater! That was going to creep me out. A LOT. But thankfully (or maybe not?) one other person came in and sat in the back. THAT was going to creep me out even more. A lot. Haha. But then the movie started... and I got halfway through it before wishing I'd never come. Wishing I had the courage to just stand up and walk out, not caring how it ended. But I wanted to know! I spent the entire last half of the movie with my hands over my ears and my coat up by my eyes, squinting and seeing blurry images. It. Was. SCARY. Unlike anything I'd ever seen. And I shouldn't have gone. But there I was. My expectations had completely and utterly clouded my good sense. I thought it was going to be like all his other movies. I thought, I thought, I thought. But it wasn't. It was much, much scarier than I was expecting. Did it end well? Of course. Good won out. But... at what cost to me? Life Lesson Learned: Look before you leap. And take a friend.
#2  
Some of my co-workers had been badgering me ALL WEEK, day in and day out, to go with them to hike up The Incline, a 2,000 some steps trail made from old cog railroad ties up the side of a very large mountain. It has a spectacular view of the whole city, and you can even see Kansas from the top, but, I had heard it was a strenuous climb. Hard on your lungs for the climb in elevation, hard on your legs, and emotionally and physically draining. My boss does it sometimes three times a week, which I still cannot fathom to this day how. I'm pretty sure he'll live longer than all of us at the office. He is in SHAPE! But anyway, I personally had never wanted to experience The Incline, because I could understandingly say it looked horrifying and something I'd never even consider undertaking. But the co-workers just wouldn't let up. And they coaxed and prodded and promised me lunch afterwards and said it would be "fun". Then I started feeling like a bad Coloradan, because nearly everyone seems to have done it. Plus, it's great exercise, I'm young, I need exercise, and I could say I'd done it and enjoy the scenery all at once. *Sigh*. And I do so love fresh, forest air. Mmmm. So, I agreed, somewhat belligerently, and woke up at the crack of dawn on a non-work day to drive over there. We arrived (at 8am), just to meet our boss at the bottom on his way down. Yes, he actually enjoys getting up early to exercise :) He was so delighted to see us all there, and so now I HAD to go through with it. LOL. But oh boy... just getting started, and I knew what I had gotten myself into. It is hard, hard, hard climbing. And at some points, almost straight up. Some hikers even wear gloves, for the very purpose of pulling themselves up to the next step. OH wow. As my co-workers went on ahead of me and started getting higher and farther away from me, I was left to the task of motivating myself to take the next and the next and the next steps without wanting to sit right down and ask to be buried there. My whole body was physically exhausted, and I had to reach down to tell myself to keep going. I had my eye on the top of The Incline, like any good and motivated person, telling myself: "Just keep going. Take those next five steps and then catch your breath. Look! You're almost to the top! Almost... to... the...top." The expectation of me getting to the top pushed me on. I forced myself to go on up those stairs in the side of the mountain, gasping for breath, choosing my footing carefully, knowing that I was almost at the top. Unfortunately, my expectations were worse than I had initially thought, as you can see from this picture (note the arrow) of The Incline from the bottom:

That arrow points to what is so fondly termed "The False Summit". Oh yes. The. FALSE. Summit. Aghhhh! Let me tell you, I got there, over that ridge, and saw nothing but more stairs going up, up, up. Oh. I felt so, so defeated. I was already tired and exhausted. My body hurt. I was hot. I was alone. And there was more to go! I was a mere halfway up The Incline, and I had no idea until that moment of coming over what I thought was the top. I had expected that my journey was finally at an end, the joyous moment when I would crest the last step and shout and pump my fist in the air, celebrating my accomplishment. But no. My expectations were as false as that so-called summit. Can you imagine?! Really, can you? It was awful. I couldn't stop. I did NOT want to go back down. I was not quitting. My co-workers were nearly at the top themselves. So what else did I do? Other than exclaim rather loudly "Nooooo!", I had to keep going :) And I did. I pushed myself harder, and made it to the REAL summit. Pictures are forthcoming, but there is a lovely one of me, kissing the top step. SO worth it. Life Lesson Learned: Just like other things in life, like waiting to go to college or thinking you're done with something when you're really not, expectations can be misleading or surprising. Don't let them cripple you. Instead, push forward, push harder, and get. to. the. summit of what God has planned for you!