Life, Lived

Sometimes I am surprised at my life. Well, the life I live. I find myself, sometimes at the oddest times or in the most surprising circumstances, thinking to myself: 

“Allison, this is your life. You are living right now. You’re breathing. You are in this body that you feel and you are seeing this room surrounding you. It’s not made up. You’re not someone else. You’re you. You’re real.”

Life at 4am

Does that ever happen to you? We go through our lives every day, every second, normally pressing on and doing the things humans do, without stopping to think that we are human! Surprise! No matter how hard you try, you cannot transfer your conscience to another body (although I’m sure the majority of American’s would love to) and see and experience life differently. It’s strange. I’m not even really sure I’m describing my feelings accurately. Sometimes I think that my truest feelings show themselves in the first few moments after waking up, whether at 4am, 5:30am, or 6am. The natural, first grumpy desire of not wanting to wake up and wanting to go back to sleep is usually there at first, but then my brain comes alive and I either think about the day, my dream that I’ve just had, or the one I mentioned above about being alive. It happens once about ever 4-5 months, and is so random. Why? Why do I do that? Is God trying to tell me something?

This Life is Mine

I don’t lead a perfect life by far. As many of you know from past blogs, my heart still aches over past hurts, family issues, and the lack of funds to attend the college program I’ve been working towards for the past 12 years. And while I know that I will eventually reach my goals, I’m still eager to see what God has for my future and my life as a whole. I still sit back and marvel at all that He has done so far, and continues to do. Some of the things are utterly amazing and bring me to my knees in awe, and other things are frustrating or sad. I have a feeling that my brain does this ‘I’m alive’ thing as a reminder. A reminder for me not to become complacent, proud, or downtrodden. 

This IS my Life

Looking around you and accepting your life is a difficult thing to do. Who can build a perfect life? Who would want to? Without the oddities and perplexities of life, it would be very similar to everyone else’s, and the flavor and rhythm to life wouldn’t be there anymore. So why does my brain occasionally stop all other thought processes and freeze and fixate on the one, small, seemingly mundane fact that I am, indeed, alive? The emotions that go along with the realization are strange, and varied. I’m alive? Oh good. I’m alive-- wait, where am I? I am alive, this is real. More than likely the comical answer would be that since I write mostly fiction stories and have quite the imagination, my brain is reminding me that I’m not in a book. I haven’t just woken up from a dream that was my life. And I’m not in a dream, realizing I’m dreaming, about being someone else.  Oh, my brain hurts. Does yours?

Realization of Life

Some of us hide behind our lives. We embrace what we’ve built for ourselves, ignoring all else, holding on as tight as our fingers will allow. Others have no ambitions in life-- they go with the flow, ready for whatever comes next. What does your breath-breathing, heart-beating life say about you anyway? Am I selfish? Am I vain? Am I living my life for God, or for other things? Do I aim to bring glory to myself, or to The One who truly deserves it? Is life just defined as someone breathing? As their heart beating? As their brain functioning and synapsing? What if life was defined as something else entirely? Not on a living, thinking, breathing, eating scale, but a way of measuring what you were living for. We wouldn’t (I wouldn’t) have to stop, sit up in bed in the darkness of our rooms, look around in wonder and amazement and utter bewilderment, and think: “This is me. I’m alive right now.” Because life would be defined as something other than non-fiction. It would be that God created us, and he created us for one ultimate purpose: to bring Him glory. Glory though our actions. Glory though our words. Glory though everything. Glory through our lives. And this thought always covers over everything else that I'd been thinking up to that moment. I smile and come to the realization that the rest of what I'm going through doesn't really, in the long run, matter as much.

I am a human, and I live for the glory of God. I am alive.

Guys: Unintentional Intentions (Whoops!)

Guys, I hate to let you in on this secret of the female mind, but let me just tell you: If you spend any amount of substantial time with a girl who you believe to truly just be “a friend”, then it’s already too late. She’s already thought about it, wondered about it, and more than likely spent a good amount of time praying about whether your intentions will go beyond anything other than this friendship you’re in. That’s pretty much just how most of our minds work. And let me tell you, I don’t enjoy it one bit. It’s not fun to hang out with a guy on and off for a while and have relationship thoughts creep up slowly at the back of your head, nudging your doubts on and prolonging the agony. Does he like me? Does he not? Does he really just see me as a friend? WHY is he not seeing that I like him? Maybe he just enjoys being single. Maybe I’m not his type in the slightest. Maybe it’s the color of my hair. Maybe the way I dress...

Pathetic as this may seem guys, a girl will think this at one time or another in her life, like it or not. And since I’m not a guy, I unfortunately can’t add my thoughts about what goes on in their mind when hanging out with a girl and after weeks and weeks, are still utterly content to be simply friends and nothing more. Maybe you agonize over it the way we do, or have doubts or fears. Maybe you really do enjoy being single where you are in life... and probably until most of us ladies get married, the male mind will still remain elusively hard to figure out. There will of course be times when one or both of us will NOT think those thoughts of wondering, but instead wonder if we’re giving off the wrong impression and are making the other person think we’re interested in them, when we’re not. That’s equally hard. What a balance! On one hand, as either a guy or a girl, you can’t be too forward, or too laid back.

Too forward, Allison, really? Yes. I’d wholeheartedly recommend you don’t do this the first time you meet a girl, as it will seriously creep her out:

Girl: Hi, I’m Jessica. What’s your name?

Guy: MynameisBobWowyou’reamazingwillyoumarryme??

Whereas you can go to the far extreme and probably still be single at 40, by your own doing:

Girl: You know Bob, we’ve been friends for the past 15 years and hung out exclusively every single weekend and you’ve never even looked me in the eyes. I’m starting to wonder if I should marry Harry, since he just asked me again for the 11th time.

Guy: Fifteen years? That’s all?

So now you need to assess your perhaps unintentional intentions. You may have no intentions whatsoever to this girl, or quite a few girls you hang out with all the time and seem to be best of buds with, or you may secretly like one of them, and just.... I don’t know... haven’t wanted to ask? Haven’t wanted to ruin a perfectly good friendship? Face rejection? Put forth the money and time it may take to date someone seriously? Because, yes, it can sometimes be expensive. You may get rejected. You may have to not spend as much time with your other girl friends, and that would be sad. Every guy has his reasons, and I commend you for those if they’re honorable. But let me just let you know that you may one day wake up and that girl will have given up all hope of you ever noticing her, or becoming more than friends. One day you may wake up, and find out that you’ve been mistakenly hurting someone’s feelings, or unintentionally showing emotions and certain actions and affections that only someone who is interested in a girl would show. Maybe you’ll wake up and realize you don’t want to be single forever. 

Whatever your reasons, I encourage you to stop, sit down, and evaluate every single relationship, deep or not, that you, as a guy, have with each girl you know. Is it honorable? Are you taking their feelings into account? Are you leading them on unintentionally? You may be surprised to find that you are not. And then again... you may find that you are. You can do it! It’ll only benefit you in the long run. Adventure awaits!

NOOK and Kindle, here comes The Amazings!

Well, I finally got with the times and made my book, The Amazings, available for the NOOK and Kindle eBook readers, and I'm so excited!

You can find it for $4 at either Barnes and Noble or Amazon, and the links are below. Happy reading!

Barnes and Noble: The Amazings (NOOK)

Amazon: The Amazings (Kindle)

Insatiable Need to Write

I have a confession to make: I can't stop thinking about writing. Now, before you laugh, wave your hand in a dismissive manner and say "Allison, that's because you're an author", no! I mean, it's something I literally cannot help thinking about. I want to write. I have to write. Something, anything, preferably something with substance. It's like, here's Allison, look at her: Half a person without her outlet for writing. Is that weird? I feel drawn out and stretched in an uncomfortable way when I haven't written on a story or blog in a while. And oh man, it's been WEEKS. I like coffee, but to me, going without writing is like being one of those people who drinks 3 cups of coffee a day, and then suddenly finds out all the caffeine in the world has magically vanished into thin air. Gasp!

It's very frustrating. And I've discovered something else about me too, that I'm warily looking into, because it's something new and ridiculous. And frustrating. I already said that, didn't I? Well, anyway, this new ridiculous something is that I've found I can no longer read. Smart comments to yourself, obviously I can read, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this or anything else, but I mean in the past few months, I've discovered that I can't read a book or novel or even short story or article without squirming in my chair. I don't want to read, I want to write! I open a new book I've just checked out from the library, and it looks fascinating, but by page 2 or 3, my mind starts to wander... it starts reminding me that I should and could be writing on the sequel I've started. Holding the book in my hands reminds me that my story could someday be a book, being held in someone's hands, if ONLY I'D WRITE IT. I read the witty words the author has put down for my enjoyment and enlightenment, and long to be doing the same. I end up closing the book, having spent no more than 5 minutes with it. Sigh.

But do I actually get off the couch, grab my laptop, and start typing like a mad person making up for lost time? No. No I don't. I might open the document once in a while and read through what I have so far, frown at how little I have and how far I've got to go, and my head hurts with the details, characters, and plot lines I still have to type. It's all up there, in my mind, don't get me wrong. The whole entire book is in my head. So why don't I write it? Sometimes I think I lack "the push". With my first book, I had a friend who clamored to read each chapter when it was written. He prodded me to write more. Wanted to know why I'd just killed off his favorite character, much to my delight. But that's ridiculous. Not every writer or author has someone standing over their figurative shoulder, saying "Are you done yet? What's going to happen in the next chapter?" That's such bold faced vanity, I just push it to the back of my mind and plod along. No writing gets done, and my frustration grows deeper. I have this insatiable need to write, to express myself, to get the words, images, and characters out of my head and onto the paper. I just don't know what to do with this insatiable need, other than the obvious choice, of course. 

I need help

The Cinematography Life

What’s the point of a seemingly pointless movie? That wonderful and frustrating phenomenon of sitting through a whole 2+ hour movie, only to get to the end, and realize you just wasted 2+ hours of your life that you can never get back. I’ve seen a few movies like that, and just recently watched one that was particularly pointless. I won’t even bother to mention what it was, to save you the time and energy of watching it yourself, because I know you all are optimists and you think that it couldn’t be all THAT bad, right? 

In a way, you’re right. There’s good in everything, if we only choose to see it. This movie was peppered (I love using that word in non-cooking contexts) with swear words, was long, had two bizarre and non-inner connected plots going at the same time, and had absolutely no plot absolution at the end. But-- it was shot in the most beautiful and artful way. The filming was exquisite. The rest? Not so much. Not even at all. So where am I going with this? Where do I always go with things like this?

Life, of course. Life sometimes has this interesting way of reminding us that parts of it can be like that long, confusing, beautiful cinematography film. You think there’s no plot, no rhyme or reason to what’s been going on in your life... and yet, the hand of God is there, orchestrating everything. Even if it is unseen, or still to be revealed to you. You may get to glance back later and see that everything was working together according to His will. And how fantastic that will be! You just have to let go.

Let go of the past. Let go of trying to figure things out that you just can’t figure out. Sometimes the plot doesn’t make sense. But the good news is: There’s always a plot. Isn’t that wonderful? The intention is always there, you know that. The director obviously made the film for a reason, never mind that it’s totally unclear to you, though. God has a plan for you. Has a reason for making you and creating this story you’re in right now. Maybe it just seems long and drawn out for some reason.

Maybe you sort of fell asleep on the couch of your life for a few minutes or hours, and completely missed it. 

Maybe you had the sound turned down.

Maybe you were distracted too much by other things (yeah, your cell phone. Facebook) to catch the subtleties in the plot to see what it’s all about.

Maybe you...

Maybe.

Life is not a movie. A movie is not life. But everyone has that story, that plot. Secret or not. You just have to look for what the Director is trying to say with what He’s given you, and trust that, in the end, He’ll have completed His beautifully shot work. In you.

Life Lessons: Expectations

Don't you dislike hearing or seeing those two words: Life Lessons. It almost sends a shudder down your spine. It's like an instant moment of panic and disgust all wrapped up into one, since you know you're about to get a talking-to that you don't want to hear or read about. I'm not a fan of those two words put together either, but in this case, it's so true. Life has taught me a few lessons lately. Well, more like walloped me over the head with them.. but you'll have to find that out for yourself :D

#1 
I'm a fan of some of the movies by M. Night Shyamalan, like The Village, Signs, Lady in the Water, and The Last Airbender. So, when I saw the trailer for his newest 'thriller', I just knew it would have all the classic jump elements, suspense, and surprise twist ending that M. Night has become so very famous for. He always puts a good vs. evil plot line in, and good always wins in the end, the hero saving the day. Now, I never go into a movie blind, so to speak, so I reviewed it first, knowing full well that there were some scary parts, some creepy images, etc. But I was still so excited. I wanted to see it. I wanted to go to the theater and sit there and love the movie. I had expectations. Automatically, I thought by default that it would be like his other movies that I've enjoyed. Relatively tame, with a few "eek!" moments thrown in here and there. Like any good thriller should be. He's practically set the standard in his field, anyway, so I expected that this one would be no different. A few weeks after the movie came out in theaters, I decided to go see it. I arrived, and found that I was the only person in the entire theater! That was going to creep me out. A LOT. But thankfully (or maybe not?) one other person came in and sat in the back. THAT was going to creep me out even more. A lot. Haha. But then the movie started... and I got halfway through it before wishing I'd never come. Wishing I had the courage to just stand up and walk out, not caring how it ended. But I wanted to know! I spent the entire last half of the movie with my hands over my ears and my coat up by my eyes, squinting and seeing blurry images. It. Was. SCARY. Unlike anything I'd ever seen. And I shouldn't have gone. But there I was. My expectations had completely and utterly clouded my good sense. I thought it was going to be like all his other movies. I thought, I thought, I thought. But it wasn't. It was much, much scarier than I was expecting. Did it end well? Of course. Good won out. But... at what cost to me? Life Lesson Learned: Look before you leap. And take a friend.
#2  
Some of my co-workers had been badgering me ALL WEEK, day in and day out, to go with them to hike up The Incline, a 2,000 some steps trail made from old cog railroad ties up the side of a very large mountain. It has a spectacular view of the whole city, and you can even see Kansas from the top, but, I had heard it was a strenuous climb. Hard on your lungs for the climb in elevation, hard on your legs, and emotionally and physically draining. My boss does it sometimes three times a week, which I still cannot fathom to this day how. I'm pretty sure he'll live longer than all of us at the office. He is in SHAPE! But anyway, I personally had never wanted to experience The Incline, because I could understandingly say it looked horrifying and something I'd never even consider undertaking. But the co-workers just wouldn't let up. And they coaxed and prodded and promised me lunch afterwards and said it would be "fun". Then I started feeling like a bad Coloradan, because nearly everyone seems to have done it. Plus, it's great exercise, I'm young, I need exercise, and I could say I'd done it and enjoy the scenery all at once. *Sigh*. And I do so love fresh, forest air. Mmmm. So, I agreed, somewhat belligerently, and woke up at the crack of dawn on a non-work day to drive over there. We arrived (at 8am), just to meet our boss at the bottom on his way down. Yes, he actually enjoys getting up early to exercise :) He was so delighted to see us all there, and so now I HAD to go through with it. LOL. But oh boy... just getting started, and I knew what I had gotten myself into. It is hard, hard, hard climbing. And at some points, almost straight up. Some hikers even wear gloves, for the very purpose of pulling themselves up to the next step. OH wow. As my co-workers went on ahead of me and started getting higher and farther away from me, I was left to the task of motivating myself to take the next and the next and the next steps without wanting to sit right down and ask to be buried there. My whole body was physically exhausted, and I had to reach down to tell myself to keep going. I had my eye on the top of The Incline, like any good and motivated person, telling myself: "Just keep going. Take those next five steps and then catch your breath. Look! You're almost to the top! Almost... to... the...top." The expectation of me getting to the top pushed me on. I forced myself to go on up those stairs in the side of the mountain, gasping for breath, choosing my footing carefully, knowing that I was almost at the top. Unfortunately, my expectations were worse than I had initially thought, as you can see from this picture (note the arrow) of The Incline from the bottom:

That arrow points to what is so fondly termed "The False Summit". Oh yes. The. FALSE. Summit. Aghhhh! Let me tell you, I got there, over that ridge, and saw nothing but more stairs going up, up, up. Oh. I felt so, so defeated. I was already tired and exhausted. My body hurt. I was hot. I was alone. And there was more to go! I was a mere halfway up The Incline, and I had no idea until that moment of coming over what I thought was the top. I had expected that my journey was finally at an end, the joyous moment when I would crest the last step and shout and pump my fist in the air, celebrating my accomplishment. But no. My expectations were as false as that so-called summit. Can you imagine?! Really, can you? It was awful. I couldn't stop. I did NOT want to go back down. I was not quitting. My co-workers were nearly at the top themselves. So what else did I do? Other than exclaim rather loudly "Nooooo!", I had to keep going :) And I did. I pushed myself harder, and made it to the REAL summit. Pictures are forthcoming, but there is a lovely one of me, kissing the top step. SO worth it. Life Lesson Learned: Just like other things in life, like waiting to go to college or thinking you're done with something when you're really not, expectations can be misleading or surprising. Don't let them cripple you. Instead, push forward, push harder, and get. to. the. summit of what God has planned for you!

Quieter Love

You really should marry your best friend. Yes, I know the current controversy swirling around on the various forums about how you should not, nor even want to marry your best friend. They should be your partner. Someone you love. Not like your current best friend. Would you marry your best friend? Of course not! But I say, yes, you should. Why wouldn’t you? Let me explain.

Natural inner desires aside for the more physical, obvious side of marriage and its benefits, which we all know, let’s look at the long-term aspect of marriage. Everyone who enters marriage knows that they want to make it last. They intend for all good purposes that the person they are marrying will be there beside them for the rest of their life. I’m not sure many people stop and think about this very seriously when they are considering getting married. You pretty much will have to live, work, move, talk, sleep, eat, decide, plan, play, cry, laugh, breathe, struggle, toil, cook, read, sing, and more than likely argue, with this person you’re marrying for the rest... of your... life. Every single day. Life will interfere, of course, as things like the normal work day, business trips, retreats, travel, and hospital stays will separate the two of you for a while. But other than that, you can just about plan on seeing that person somewhere around you for the remainder of the time. To the newly married, this is great! But how long will the excitedness of constantly 24/7 being around that person last? Will you still be excited when your spouse is sick, throwing up every few hours, and you have to take care of them? Will you be excited, pulling laundry out of the hamper, to put in the washer, to put in the dryer, to take out and put away (weekly!)? Will you still be excited when you open your spouses car hood for the millionth time in the garage to add in the fluids they just never seem to replace? Will you be thinking loving thoughts about your spouse when they use up all the hot water, and your shower is cold? The seemingly mundane things of life will creep in eventually, as they should, and what happens if you are no longer in that sparkly eyed twitter patted state of mind? What will hold you through those seconds, hours, days, months, years? Hopefully, and here is where my point comes in, what holds you through is that you are married to your best friend. Someone you want to go through all these things with.

Not many of us can think of the best friend we have right now as a future spouse, and that is why we shy away from the idea. Usually, but not always, this is because our best friend is the same gender we are! And that’s natural and right. You should definitely NOT marry this friend. Even if we could look past that, most of us are still annoyed by some thing or another that our best friend inevitably does, and we’ll take a break from that person for a while, or even in the extreme, find another best friend. Ok: All gender aside, think with me here for a moment. Think of your best friend. Maybe it’s a sibling that you’ve always been the closest with. Or a friend you’ve known since you were children together. More than likely, in either instance, you’ve known this person for quite some time and they’re not just a fly-by-night casual acquaintance. Now think even further than that, and consider that the two of you just never married, and, being best friends, thought, ‘Hey! Since neither of us has anyone, let’s share a house. We can save on rent, utilities, furniture, kitchen stuff, and it’ll be even better because we can see each other all the time! It’ll be great. Plus, we get along really well.’ Now be honest, could you live with that person, your best friend or sibling, for a long time? I know in my case, if it were my sister, I definitely could! I get along and always have with both of my sisters-- they ARE my best friends, simply because we’ve spent the most time together and know each other very, very well. Sure, we can argue over something trivial every now and then, or tease each other, but in the end it all comes down to them being not only my sisters, but my friends, and I know we’d take care of each other. And that’s what most of it comes down to... you being comfortable with your future spouse, your best friend. You know that they know you and you know them. Picking up facial cues to each others emotions, knowing what pleases and what irks the other, wanting to be there through thick and thin with them to help each other through. The list of best friend qualities that also tie into marriage is virtually endless. Best friends know the other friend intricately, have bonded on a special level with them, and yes, in its own way, love each other.

So next time you hear someone say “I’ve married my best friend”, try not to scoff at them and think the statement is ridiculous. I believe a spouse can and should be a best friend. It may have some different meanings than what comes to mind when you think of your same gender best friend, but that partner and soulmate that is your other half that you’ll live with day in and day out-- that’s a special kind of friend and love entirely. And, I pray, one we should all be so lucky to someday find and share life with.

Reading this morning in C.S. Lewis’ book Mere Christianity, I came across a few paragraphs about marriage, which tied in perfectly with what I’d already been thinking of blogging about. The last part especially, really just struck my brain like a bolt of lightning. I’d always wondered at the phrase and meaning behind one ‘dying to yourself’, and understood the basic principles behind it, but never in this light before, and now that it’s become so unmistakably clear to me, I will never again be able to see the words and not think of the true meaning behind it. After the ecstasy and euphoric high of being newly married begins to slightly diminish (but not fully-- I hope it never will!), what we should look for is what Mr. Lewis refers to as a “quieter love”. Not wild and crazy as when you were young and everything was new, but not tame and complacent, either.

“They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be ‘in love’ with someone else. ‘Being in love’ first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it... In this department of life, as in every other, thrills come at the beginning and do not last. The sort of thrill a boy has at the first idea of flying will not go on when he has joined the R.A.F. and is really learning to fly. The thrill you feel on first seeing a delightful place dies away when you really go to live there. Does that mean it would be better not to learn to fly and not to live in the beautiful place? By no means. In both cases, if you go through with it, the dying away of the first thrill will be compensated for by a quieter and more lasting kind of interest. What is more (and I can hardly find words to tell you how important I think this), it is just the people who are ready to submit to the loss of the thrill and settle down to the sober interest, who are then most likely to meet new thrills in some quite different direction. The man who has learned to fly and become a good pilot will suddenly discover music; the man who has settled down to live in the beauty spot will discover gardening.
This is, I think, one little part of what Christ meant by saying that a thing will not really live unless it first dies. It is simply no good trying to keep any thrill: that is the very worst thing you can do. Let the thrill go-- let it die away-- go on through that period of death into the quieter interest and happiness that follow-- and you will find you are living in a world of new thrills all the time.”