Mark & I

I first saw Mark in 2006 when I friended him on a site I’d recently joined for homeschool graduates. I was already friends with his younger brother, Daniel, and it was through his page that I found Mark’s profile. I remember looking through his profile and all his amazing photo’s and immediately liking him. I decided to friend him, even though I thought Mark would have no interest in me, since I felt very out of his league. Over the next few years we exchanged the occasional comment on a photo, blog, or each other’s profile, but I distinctly remember feeling that even though I was attracted to Mark, he seemed to not be interested in me or notice me at all, and probably never would. Meanwhile, in my non-online life I drifted in and out of being ‘good friends’ with a couple of guys, only to end up realizing that they were just that-- friends, and not interested in me. In 2010, I was having dinner with a visiting homeschool grad, and he pointed out that maybe God was protecting me from something, which was at first shocking, but the more I thought about it, it made complete sense. God seemed to be saying “No, not yet”, to me for some reason in the relationship department. I accepted that and decided to move on. 

Then a month later Daniel sent me a message saying his family was in town visiting some family and friends, and even though it was last minute and we’d never met in person, he wondered if I wanted to come meet his family and have dinner with them at their friend’s house. I admit, I was quite excited. I was actually going to get to meet Mark in person, for the first time in 4 years! What would he be like? How tall was he? All these thoughts ran through my head as I drove to the house. I was also looking forward to meeting the rest of his family too. When I got there, I met Daniel first, his parents, and most of his siblings. Mark was sort of in the background, quieter, but so nice. I remember being shocked at first, only because meeting people in person that you’ve only known online for years, from mere pictures, is quite different. We all had a great evening of eating, talking, laughing, and playing pool. I left feeling pretty much the same way I’d felt when I arrived. Which was strangely ok. Then an entire year went by...

In the late Summer of 2011 I noticed that Mark began to “Like” just about every post or picture I put up on Facebook. It was so sudden and without any reason, I kind of raised an eyebrow at it, but nothing else was said by him except for the occasional comment, so I pushed it to the back of my mind since I had a lot going on in my life at the time. Daniel again messaged me and said his family would be back in the area again in October, and invited me to join them for dinner at a restaurant up in Denver. This time, I was really excited to go. I wanted the opportunity to talk more with Mark and observe him, especially since his sudden liking of all my Facebook activity. And I really liked him still. Could he really like me? It seemed impossible. Why now? What had I done to bring this on, out of the blue? We had barely talked to each other! That’s the funny thing. You write all about relationships and ‘doing things’ about them, when in all actuality, you rarely do anything when someone decides to pursue you. It just...happens. This was quite thrilling to me, though, since I had liked Mark already for so long and had truly thought that nothing would come of it. So I met them, along with quite a few other Colorado homeschool grads, at the restaurant and talked for a while with him and his parents, and he seemed very intentional about standing there with his parents. At dinner, I decided ‘To heck with homeschool segregation’, I was going to sit at the table where Mark sat with some of his brothers. Which was sort of risky, considering most girls usually sat with each other, and the guys did likewise. I knew though that if I didn’t intentionally sit at the same table with him, I probably wouldn’t get a chance to talk with someone I was interested in, and wanted to show him so. Also, towards the end of the night, one of the things that first tipped me off that something was possibly up, was Mark’s father asking me if I’d ever consider moving to Texas! Homeschool parents ask things like this. I was thrilled. His father also said that if I was ever in Austin that they would love to see me again. The next day his family came to Focus on the Family where I was volunteering, and then again invited me to have dinner with them at their same friend’s house. I brought dessert and a board game, and we all had another great time together. This time I left feeling sad that they were leaving the next morning to go back to Texas. 

In November I decided to visit my sisters in Austin, and made plans to fly there in a few weeks. They’d been begging me for years to come visit them. I e-mailed Daniel, including Mark as well after getting his email address off of Facebook, letting them know that I was going to be in town, but then my sisters asked if I could change my flight to later. I had to e-mail the guys back again with the sad news I wasn’t coming, and this time Mark e-mailed me back saying he understood, and that maybe we could video Skype sometime. Tip off #2! I told him I’d love that. It wasn’t needed, however, because I decided to spend Christmas with my sisters instead! I’d never done something like that before, but I had two motivations for going, and it just felt right somehow. Christmas evening was spent with Mark and his family, and it was brought up that Mark could drive me back to my sister’s house, but I hadn’t been checking my phone, so my sister came and picked me up before that could happen. I was definitely disappointed, since I wasn’t sure when I would see Mark again. Plans were tentatively made for the next day, but when I woke up, I found out my oldest sister had the whole day planned out that I didn’t know about, so I had to text Mark and tell him so. I felt pretty bad, but his family had said they were going to go visit some relatives possibly that day or the next, so they left that day. Boy did I feel crummy about that! The whole trip was kind of a push-and-pull, because I also loved spending time with my sisters. That evening, Mark texted me and wondered when my flight was leaving the next day. When I told him it was in the evening, he seemed surprised. The next morning, he texted me again, asking if I would go for a walk with him through a local park. Just the two of us. OH MY WORD!!! I almost had a heart attack. In an entirely good way, of course. Tip off #3. Now I really knew Mark wanted to see what I was like, spend some one-on-one time with me, and talk. On the car ride over to the park, I learned that he had been the only one who drove back from his relatives house --early--, about a 3 hour trip. This was eye opening, humbling, and surprising to me, that he would drive all the way back to Austin, just to walk through a park with me before I left. And it was a beautiful day and a beautiful park. We walked and talked and generally lost track of time. It was very comfortable and easy talking with him, and we seemed to agree on so many aspects of life, our faith and homeschooling. Could this even be real?

After I got back to Colorado and started out 2012, I called my parents and told them all about the trip and my thoughts about Mark. At the end of the phone call I remember sighing into the phone and saying: “And, he pretty much makes me go weak at the knees”, which my parents thought was highly funny. But it was true! And still is. Soon after, Mark and I exchanged a few cards and gifts, and began chatting, texting, and emailing almost every day. He also went out of his way to get me several special things that I wanted for my birthday in February, and asked if we could plan another trip for the near future. I began to pray that God would continue to work in whatever this was that was going on between Mark and I, because I really had no idea if God was leading this all towards a friendship, relationship, or something more. It was an exciting time each night to pray and give everything over to God and take it out of my hands completely. I’d never prayed something like that before, but I knew that God was leading and would work everything out in His timing. I flew to Austin in March and spent an extended weekend with Mark and his family, of which I loved every second. On the Sunday morning I was to leave, I walked into my sister’s kitchen, and there he was, making omelets for breakfast as a surprise! I was shocked, to say the least, and even more shocked later that night when I reached into my bag in Denver to get out my car keys, and found a beautiful bracelet he had somehow snuck in. I really didn’t want to come back to Colorado. The next few months were definitely rough, but more so as we dealt with some personal issues that came up, and the fact that we lived so far away from each other didn’t help either. 

However, in April Mark wrote me a very unexpected e-mail, stating some of the things he liked about me and basically that he wanted to make his intentions clear: He wanted to eventually marry me. I was completely shocked, overwhelmed, in awe, and happy. Not to mention humbled. It all felt like it was a dream, and impossible that a relationship like this that I had been longing for, writing about, thinking about, and wanting for so long was actually right here in front of me! And with the very man that I had been attracted to in the first place, all those years ago! I told him I would love to enter into that kind of a relationship with him. And it quite simply happened like that. One day you’re single, the next day, you’re taken. And boy was I taken with this man! He even thoughtfully suggested that we both fly out to Michigan to see my parents in June. I hadn’t been able to visit them in years, and Mark had never met them, so I was thrilled when all the travel plans fell into place. Mark and I were able to spend an extended weekend together at my parents house, sight seeing, getting to know my parents more, playing many games of pool, talking and relaxing. It was Mark’s first time to fly, ever, and he even purchased an extra ticket for his return flight so we could be on the same flights back to Denver and sit together. I loved that. It was during this trip that I discussed with Mark my thought of moving from Colorado Springs to Austin. I had been thinking it over for the past few months, and so many signs had begun pointing to Texas. I then decided to take the leap of faith, step out on a limb, and go for a new adventure. My lease was ending, I was ready for a fresh work environment and a great dental hygiene school (of which Austin has both!), no more snow, different scenery and places, but most of all, I wanted to be closer to Mark, his family, and my sisters. For 6 years I had been without that closeness of family and someone who cared that deeply for me, and now here it was if I was only willing to look beyond what I saw on a daily basis, and dare to allow myself to do, be, and experience life differently! 

When I moved to Texas it certainly wasn’t a piece of cake or even easy. I discovered all over again how stressful it can be to turn your life upside down, search for a job, navigate through unfamiliar city streets and build new relationships. It turned out to be incredibly challenging and ultimately rewarding, though, and God was with me every step of the way. These past few months from July until just before Christmas have been so wonderful. I love getting to spend time with Mark and just be able to drive over to his house if I want to see him--which, if you’ve ever been in a long distance relationship, is still amazing to me. Sometimes I feel like I have to pinch myself to make sure I’m really here. My heart feels content and peaceful, where it is supposed to be, when I am with Mark. I am so eager to start my new life together with him and continue on in this story, of us. 

Engagement Story

In the middle of October on a Sunday Mark very cryptically told me that he was picking me up at a certain time to go to a nameless restaurant and that it would be nice if I dressed up. So I thought, "Ok! This is it!" and spent nearly an hour and a half on my hair and outfit. Haha. We were both so sharply dressed, and the restaurant so nice and lovely, I thought surely it was going to be that night that he would propose to me. Then we walked around downtown... had frozen yogurt... and... nothing! The night ended with my left hand still empty and me feeling frustrated that he was just toying with me, even though I really knew he wasn’t. I'd been waiting 27 years to get engaged and have it happen and to wear a ring on my left hand that I knew I COULD be patient, and would be patient, but it wasn't getting easier :) It actually turns out that Mark WAS initially planning on that being the night, but the restaurant he had been looking at was doing three weddings all at once that evening, so there were no regular diners allowed.

He had been planning, for at least the past two months apparently, and researching, to find a particular restaurant in Austin that had lots of lights at night, because for some reason I have a huge fascination with lights. All the trees in the backyard garden and walking paths of the restaurant he picked are all lit up with white lights. It is GORGEOUS. This restaurant, Green Pastures, is actually an old, huge house from the 1800's that has become a historical landmark. So the inside is kept mostly completely intact, and it feels like you're eating in a museum, only nothing is partitioned off.

So then the following Sunday on October 28 Mark did the same thing...requested we dress up, he would pick me up at a specific time, but no name of where we were eating. I wasn't expecting anything this time, though, because I didn't want to get my hopes up and then have them dashed again. So I dressed up, but didn't spend quite as much time, and wore a nice dress that was fancy, but it wasn't the one I had on the previous week, so I was slightly sad about it. Ridiculous me! Pretty petty. Mark was SO sharply dressed, though! Wow. I was hugely impressed and in awe. So I wondered if this was the night he was planning on proposing, but then pushed it out of my head. A lot was going on with both of our families, so I thought he'd wait for things to calm down a bit. We arrived at the restaurant and I wondered where we were, since it truly is in the middle of a residential neighborhood and it looks like a house with a parking lot. They even have peacocks roaming the lawns! He told me it was a restaurant, and when we walked in, he was right! He had a reservation, and our waiter was so nice. There was only one other couple in the whole entire house, so it was extremely quiet and felt like we were the only ones there. The menu is crazy; they have a personal chef who creates these elaborate dishes like wild boar, quail, rack of lamb, venison, veal, etc. I was lame and got chicken, but we tried all sorts of interesting dishes, as they kept 'surprising' us with little things in between courses...sushi the chef made...sorbet to cleanse our palates..fresh whipped butter...it was intense. Even the dessert was over the top and amazing. After we were done, the waiter gave us some coffee cake to go (from their own bakery....of course) and suggested we take a walk through the house. I thought that was so thoughtful of him! So we did. Plus, I really wanted to see it.

It was all part of the plan, I see it now. Sneaky! Mark had been to Green Pastures THREE times already previous to this to see it, set things up, and get his sisters opinion on it. Wow!! So we walked around the house, ooh-ing and aah-ing at all the old unique things about the home/restaurant that were still in tact, then Mark suggested we go out for a stroll through the walkways that were all lit up. How could I resist! It was a really chilly night too, so I had my black North Face jacket on, which I love and was happy about. We saw all the lights, then walked up into a gazebo that was all lit up, and that's when Mark turned me around and held both of my hands in his. Eeeeeee! I knew something was immediately up. He then started going back over some memories of us knowing each other and how it all came together, then he could barely say any more--and my mind went strangely blank too at this point.. time stood still practically-- as my brain screamed at me: "HE'S GOING TO PROPOSE! OH MY GOSH!" or something like that. It's one of those things you never think will happen to you and you wonder what it will be like, feel like, or how it will play out. It was magical, with the lights all around and the cold air. Woooowww. Then he so swiftly dropped to one knee, my hands flew up over my mouth, and there was a ring box in his hand, open. "Allison Jordan Filkins, will you marry me?" and I laughed, taking my hands down from my mouth, a squeal of delight replacing it. "Yes, of course!"

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Then he kissed me and put the ring on my finger, and it fit PERFECTLY and is exactly the kind of ring I've ALWAYS wanted. And oh my word, it still takes my breath away when I look at it! :::::siiiigghhhh:::::: So, soooo, soooo wonderful. Then we turned and there was our waiter, standing there with a silver tray and two tall champagne glasses, and he said with a twinkle in his eye: "Sparkling cider?" Oh so planned out and great. Wow. It couldn't have worked out better.

The End. AND The Beginning! March 10, 2013, come quickly!

Guys: Be Superheroes

A chain of thoughts that lead to a blog idea. It happened in the flash of about 5 seconds. I was in the car, driving along a long stretch of road, my iPod on shuffle. Because that’s so fun sometimes, to not know what’s coming up. Sometimes, I’ll admit, I chuckle at myself when a random song pops up, and I think ‘Allison, why on earth do you have THIS in your song library?’, which provides me with some entertainment. This time a song, The Last Stand by Two Steps From Hell, came on unexpectedly. All joking about the name of the band aside, I really love all the soundtrack and instrumental music that these guys come up with. They’re so inspiring, adventuresome, epic and best played quite loud. Of course. Seeing that I like these types of movies anyway, it’s actually no wonder that my mind popped to where it did: Guys and superheroes. 

I could suddenly just picture guys driving around in their cars, just like I was doing, listening to this type of music, cranked up really loudly, and I wondered what it must mean to them. It has no words. It’s not a ‘girly song’ by any stretch of the imagination. When I hear it, I usually want to jump out of my car immediately and go climb a mountain, fight off an entire army single handedly, and rescue a bunch of people from certain doom. It’s a good thing I drive with a steady mind, and not my imagination controlling me. So all this to say, I wondered if guys thought along these lines too. Day in, day out, listening to this, it’s got to become more than just mere enjoyment music to them. I’m not a guy, so I can’t say with absolute certainty, but as a girl, I want to at least address one aspect of this type of music. Acts of heroism. Can the music guys listen to have an influence over the way they think? The way they perceive the world? Are they inspired to be a superhero in the life of a woman they know, their family or friends?

Climbing Mountains

Oh, the impossible. Or, is it impossible? Guys, I know a lot of tasks can be put upon your shoulders. Be the man of the house. Be the older brother. Take responsibility. All with a smile. This must feel like walking through mud with chained ankles, sometimes, I bet. It’s great to watch movies like Return of the King, and see Sam’s courage, willpower, and determination as he bravely slings Frodo over his shoulder when he can no longer continue. And Sam climbs that mountain. How? It’s so far, and he’s so small. And he’s carrying the weight of two people. The mountain isn’t even steady underneath them. How accurate is that to your life sometimes? It seems like an impossible task. And yet, somehow Sam makes it to the top. Sam is a total superhero, and he doesn’t even have any super powers. My favorite line is when Sam says to Frodo: “I can’t carry the ring for you Mr. Frodo, but I CAN CARRY YOU!” Guys, I want to encourage you to be compassionate like this to others. Sensitive is a girly word, so I’ll refrain from using it, but I believe Sam saw the burden Frodo had willingly placed upon himself, and Sam knew he couldn’t take that burden from Frodo, but he could carry him when his physical and mental strength gave out. You can do this too. Maybe you notice your father’s increasing burden of doing certain tasks as he gets older or busier, and you know you can help. This is not placing the entire task on yourself as a burden, but taking the initiative to compassionately help where needed. You can be that. Maybe your friend has taken on an impossible task, and you see an area that you could help him with, decreasing the size of the task for him. What about a girl who needs the oil changed in her car, and doesn’t know the difference between transmission fluid and windshield washer fluid? (Haha... can’t you just see THAT working out!). Who cares if you’ve barely said twenty words to her? Being the superhero means piping up when you hear her speaking about it needing to be done, and saying “I can do that! What day this week would be ok for me to come do that for you?” Her reaction will be complete shock. To the rescue!

Fighting A War

Morals. Standards. Saying no when everyone says yes. Upholding the law. Ah, all the great caped crusaders do it. They fight for what is right, when the world says there is no absolute truth, and whatever feels right is fine. It’s like an evil mastermind villain has invaded all their minds and turned them to mindless drones. Gasp! And it’s true. This villain is called Satan, and he’s infiltrated the minds of every human being on the planet. He’s turned them against the good that was initially instilled in all of us. Some choose to just act on it more than others and ignore The Truth, even though we are all sinners. Don’t you love it when all your guy friends are going to see Immortals, with all of its gore and nudity content, and you feel deep inside you that it just wouldn’t be something you should intentionally put into your mind and life? Agh. Saying no is hard. You’re a man, after all! You can do what you want! Right? Well, there are times when you can’t do what you want. Bruce Wayne, for instance. In Batman Begins, Bruce could have remained a rich playboy, closing his eyes to all the corruption going on right under his very own city. He could have walked away when he saw the drug trade, crime and violence erupting into his society. But his father worked so hard to build all that up, for the good of the people. And now they were stupidly tearing it down from around them, not caring or remembering what was right and good anymore. How easy would it have been for Bruce to join them and live it up. It would have been so simple. So much simpler than what he chose to do; which was fight. Fight for what he knew was right. For what was good. For something that people would probably laugh at these days, because that kind of a world seems like a silly ideal to most people. My favorite line that Bruce says to Roz Al Goul, and one that sporadically pops into my mind for who knows what reason, is: “I’ll be standing right where I’m supposed to be. Between you and the people of Gotham City.” He stood in that gap, when Roz wanted to watch them all destroy each other so he could start a new utopian city, killing thousands of innocent people in the process. Roz didn’t care about morals, standards, or what was right. Bruce did. And Batman has no super powers either. You can do this in your own life as well and become a superhero, rising above the crime and corruption of the world. Saying no to something, sure, but what about fighting with your right to vote? What will your voice cry out in the battle for unborn children? Who will you maybe have to physically fight back to protect someone you love, or someone you barely know? Take that stand. Hold to what you believe to be true, right, and worthy of fighting for. I guarantee those around you will begin to take notice, and curiosity will get the best of them. A man who stands for what is right is someone I look up to, as does everyone else. So fight back those hordes! To the rescue! 

Saving The Helpless

Ok guys, admit it: Who among you hasn’t dreamed of rushing in and saving a woman from something awful? Attackers, kidnappers, dragons, wild beasts, your arch enemy. I can imagine what a rush that must be. The thrill and realization that you have literally just saved someone from death. Ok, let’s step it up a notch, what if it were an entire village you had to rescue? A little trickier, but as noted above, not impossible! Sure, maybe you get thanked, but more often than not, the reality is that you probably won’t. Every guy wants to be acknowledged for his bravery, risking life and limb. But that’s not why you should do it. Part of being a superhero is that you do these things because you know you won’t be thanked, but that you know it needs to be done. And knowing that internally is some of the most rewarding feelings one can have. How are you going to step up and rescue someone less fortunate than you? The helpless, fatherless and needy? This can be a lot of pressure in and of itself. Just how far should your compassion and moral guiding extend? Should you give $5 to every homeless or seemingly homeless person on the side of the road with a sign? Should you sponsor ten kids in different countries and live on Ramen noddle soup for the rest of your life as a result? Should you go to that church event and help clean up a poor neighborhood or help replace a dishwasher in a widow or single mom’s house? I don’t know. I do know there are limits when you begin neglecting yourself and those around you. Each person has different gifts, too, or strengths, in what they feel they can and should do-- time, finance, and manual labor wise. So there’s no one uniform answer for everyone, like a blanket for all the problems in the world. Guys, I don’t know about you, but that inability to not do everything breaks my heart. It’s almost like you’re done before you even try. Let’s talk Captain America. Some might argue that he doesn’t have any powers, just a lot of added strength. Every guy has this power inside of him. Captain America wanted to help his fellow human beings. They were in desperate need, and he stepped up, took the initiative, and didn’t give up when they told him no. He got something he wasn’t expecting at all, and maybe wasn’t his ideal in the first place when he thought of enlisting. He helped and rescued thousands by his actions. Before he became Captain America, he asked his recruiters, “Why me?”, and they replied, “Because a weak man knows the value of strength.” Wise words. So you can swoop in and rescue those less fortunate than you. Those that are hurting. Maybe this means sitting down and just asking your mom or dad how they’re doing, and listening to them. Hero. Maybe it means going out of your way to travel farther than normal to pick up your friend whose car broke down again for the thirteenth time (and you’ve told him to do something about it again, and again, but he never seems to listen to your advice). Hero. Maybe this means opening a simple door for a girl, even though she has nothing in her arms. No, they’re not broken. Yes, she has her own hands. Why, then? Chivalry. Honor. Showing you care in the little things. This, and other acts of chivalry, show girls all these things. Hero. To the rescue! 

You can be that. Just like you’re imagining. It may look different in real life, but there may come a day in the future when you really WILL be called upon to do something hard, death-defying, or sacrificial. When that day comes, you’ll be ready. Because you have the hope of Jesus Christ inside you, and you’ll already be what you’ve been practicing. Guys: Be superheroes in your every day lives. 

I Only Have One More Month...

...to live. 

That's what you thought I was going to say, wasn't it? No :) I actually have one more payment to make on my CareOne Debt Management Program-- after FOUR YEARS. 

Some of you HSAer's may remember me posting this blog way back in July 2009 about my dream of attending dental hygiene school not becoming a reality on account of my debt: [ http://www.homeschoolalumni.org/weblog_entry.php?e=30882 ] And by that point, I had already started paying off my debt in August 2008, right before I attended my first HSA Reunion in Kentucky. Don't the years fly by?? Crazy! That just seems like yesterday. But for someone who was trying to pay off $14,000 in debt, those years can go so, so slowly.

Yes. You read that right. I just said $14,000 and admitted it on the internet for all to see. Hard to believe, isn't it? This has so far, in my life, been the largest blight on my record of Things Allison Is Not Proud Of Doing (and no, I don't actually keep a physical list with this title. Haha). Some of you have also read the debt article I wrote a few years ago that was published, so you may recall that gathering up that much of that debt came slowly, over the years, with vainly purchased items here and there, random things that I regretted later, major car repair expenses in the $400 to $800 range, plane tickets home, etc. The ironic part is that I had NEVER actually even wanted to have a credit card. Truly. Then at first I did the responsible thing and bought only small things and paid it off immediately to build my credit. Then, somewhere, somehow, my sight of that slipped. I will argue that the majority of the debt came from emergency expenses because I was on my own and had to survive, but that is really no excuse and I can't use it. My whole life I have been the saver, the one who considered 'larger' purchases for months or years at a time before buying them. So to have this $14,000 lingering over my head constantly, taunting me, pointing fingers and saying "Allison, you're such a failure. You're no saver! Just look at this! You're a hypocrite!", was pure and simple, torture. In 2009 when I was accepted into dental hygiene school, I pushed those thoughts away and shrugged my shoulders. I'd just get another loan for college anyway, and pay for both things at once, then pay it all back (two loans, in reality) when I had graduated and had the dream job and career I wanted. Boy was I in for a rude awakening! No co-signer for such a large loan meant no college. The End. Finished. Done. 

But was it the end to my dreams? To my resolve? To my determination to pay it off, save up, and apply again? NO! I am proud and happy to say that I have kept my dreams alive these last four years, and sacrificially paid an enormous payment each month to CareOne for my debt consolidation plan. It was like paying two rent amounts each month, believe it or not o_0. Yeah. That part, I think, really hurt me emotionally the most. These past four years, I'd been mentally kicking myself each month as I kissed that money goodbye when it was automatically taken out. It was like a punch to the stomach. Another taunt, saying, "Allison, look at this huge payment amount! You're paying yourself back for something you didn't have money for in the first place! Think of ALL the things you could be using that money for!" This hurt. I could be SAVING it for college, instead, which was my ideal in the first place. Yep. Had I not spent that money on the things I spent them on, I'd probably be at college right now. Or have already graduated. But, that's just one of those adult things you have to suck up, stand up a bit straighter, breathe in, and tell yourself that it's your own fault, and you'll be ok. Amazingly, and I should have never doubted, God had some incredible plans for me here in Colorado Springs while I paid those payments for four years. I moved into a house with some girls I barely knew, but are now some of my best friends in the world. I was able to volunteer at a camp in Windsor, CO, and made some more amazing HSA friends there. I kept attending my church, volunteering there, writing for them, editing, stading up on stage, and participating in backstage crew. Yes, meeting more amazing people. I also got to finally meet a great HSA family when they vacationed in CO, and that has changed my life entirely. All these things, over the years, had I been at CNCC in Rangely, studying, I would not have been able to do. All those people and opportunities would have never crossed my path. My eyes are opened wide to what God has done and how He's moved in my life as a result of the denial of my dream, and I am humbled, grateful, in awe, and provided for in His loving arms. WOW. 

Will I be completely, 100% debt free in June? No. But close! So close, I can taste it. Have I stopped spending money on my credit cards that I don't have money for? Yes. By God's grace, yes. Crazy to think about, and so relieving. Having this program over and done with will lift a HUGE burden off me, and enable me to allocate that money for other things, finally. I want to be more generous, give more to charity, sponsor a child, save save save, and get back on track financially! I am *so* excited for this next chapter of my life. And I want to thank you all for your support, encouragement and prayers all these years! Isn't God crazy good?? :D

Silence Out Into The Open

An amazing friend recently asked me when I would write again. And my answer was that I would more than likely write about something I had been thinking over for a long time. I'm realizing more and more that I am not in control of my life, however, because this blog is being written about throughts from yesterday. Thoughts that rushed to the surface in my day of silence for Good Friday, and even that day played out in a way that I was not expecting.

The day started out difficultly. I'm realizing that I use technology so much, and have time carved out for checking e-mail, texting friends, calling people, checking Facebook, updating Facebook, stalk-- er, reading up on my friend's lives on Facebook, checking Facebook again, looking up something on the internet, taking a picture. But none of that was available to me this morning. To make matters worse (not really, I'm being dramatic), the people I live with had their carpet cleaned for an event that the house is having in MAY (more than a month away, actually), and they asked me not to eat in my room until then. Sigh. So, I trooped downstairs for breakfast and was told a joke about silent monks, even though I couldn't laugh at it. Oh, cruel world :) I then decided to go back to bed for at least an hour. Because I could. And I couldn't talk. Or get on the internet. 

I came to realize throughout the day that I made my meals more slowly. I ate them more slowly. I sat at the kitchen table and had to go with my own internal thoughts while lifting the fork to my mouth and chewing. It was a lonely day. While the people I live with were in and out of the house, talking back and forth with each other, I seemed to be stuck in one place. Almost wrapped up in an invisible bubble somehow. But at the same time, it was amazing and needed. I had absolutely nothing else to think about than Christ's sacrifice, what he did, must have felt, how much it must have hurt. The fear. The anguish. I left the house after lunch and reading in Matthew some of the events leading up to the Passover/Last supper, betrayal, and some of Jesus' thoughts on life, light, and his exact prediction and description of how he would die. I marveled at what the disciples must have thought as they saw it all play out exactly as he said. Were they shocked? Who can predict how they will die, and have it happen? 

I drove downtown in a silent car. Nothing but me, the engine, and the sound of the turn signal, clicking. Kind of crazy. This is unusual for me, because 364 days out of every year, I get into my car and reach for the stereo button, plugging in my iPod or listening to the radio. Unless I have passengers, of course, which is pretty rare. The whole day is just so jarring to me! Very theraputic. I was so excited and looking forward to walking the labyrinth. I've walked it for the past 6 years, and a few years before that when my family lived in CO the first time. Something I'm used to. Something I take for granted. It really was my own fault, not looking it up beforehand. So I got there, parked, walked in, and it turns out that this year the church decided to have the labyrinth open only one day--Thursday--, the day before.  Yep. Oh! I missed it by one day! Now what was I going to do? 

Well, it was a gorgeous, if not windy day, very warm and sunny. So, I drove to Red Rocks Canyon. It's somewhat similar to Garden of the God's, only more wildnerness and dirt trails. Pretty rugged. I was determined: I would walk somewhere, and still have that time of prayer and reflection, even if it meant stepping out of my norm. So I parked, and started hiking. This is the great thing about life: It always makes you step out of your comfort zone by taking you completely by surprise. Was I wearing hiking shoes or clothes? No. Did I have a water bottle? No. A hat? No. I was unprepared. I didn't plan any of it, which is perhaps what made me smile the most. As I walked, I couldn't help but think of how Jesus had been the normal for his disciples for years. They were used to being around him, seeing his teaching and miracles. He walked on the water, and so did Peter! He fed thousands of people with very little! He even raised Lazarus from the dead after 4 days. And then, Jesus was just suddenly yanked away from them. He was there, then he wasn't. And they didn't know for sure that he was going to rise from the dead, like we do, because we have the Bible and can look ahead. They either had great depression, or great faith. After taking a path that veered off to the right and didn't look like it went really anywhere exciting, I suddenly came out into this giant open space with huge red rocks looming up on either side. One of the rocks wasn't too high, and could easily be walked up, almost like a ramp. I walked up the rock carefully, getting higher and higher, and when I got to the top, my breath caught in a gasp: Three trees stood in front of the rock, overlooking a small lake that was shaped like... a heart. Like this <3 With Pikes Peak and the mountain range framed in the background. It was almost more than I could imagine. It was like God was saying, "Allison, climb up and sit here on this rock! You can't see what's ahead yet, but just wait until you get to the top! I'll provide all you need, and nudge your heart to reflection." WOW. No electronics, so no picture, but it was special nonetheless. I stayed and prayed for nearly an hour, not caring about the sun beating down on me or the wind whipping my hair crazily. Suddenly, not walking the labyrinth didn't bother me. It was just so like God to take me out of my protected, inside ritual; though I did it for a good reason every year, I was safe inside that church and surrounded by walls. This time, I was outside in the open, completely exposed, wind howling, and God was protecting me. Just as He was in my life, and always will. He knows what He has planned for me, and I, do not. I can trust and follow Him into the wildnerness, though, to be surprised by His grace, mercy, and provision. 

The rest of the day was spent reading about the crucifixion in all four of the gospels, taking a nap, going for a long walk as the sun was setting, and reading through 1st and 2nd Peter, which I was intrigued with. Not talking wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be this year. But everything else that happened, was. It was exactly what I needed. 

Holding On, Letting Go

It’s amazing how your mind handles change as you get older. Ok, I know 27 isn’t old, but compared to 10 years ago when I was 17, it feels older. When I was younger, I was fairly inflexible. Not completely, but in my later teenage years, our family was going through a lot of moving and chaos and things were just completely out of my control. I look back now and see that was probably one of the huge contributors to that inflexibility. I wanted to desperately have a sense of normalcy and a say in what happened with my life, that I think I perhaps held on a little too tightly to whatever I could. I had to know things in advance. I was in control. A lot of that came from fear. And believe me, I’m certainly not absent of fear in my current day-to-day life, but it has been amazing to see that the more freedom I’ve gained, the more flexible I’ve become! I think change is a good thing. 

What brought this on? Well, the first thing that tipped me off was that fact that I received 3 (three!) gift cards to a favorite sub place, all from different people, for my birthday. And then a gift card to my favorite frozen yogurt place. My friends know me! And I love that. But my gosh-- was I really that predictable? That always shakes you up a bit, thinking that. I’ve realized that living “on my own”, away from my family, has some downsides; namely, it has increased my routines and need for things to be the way I want them. When I lived with three other roommates for two years, I was thrown into three other people’s schedules, friend groups, wants, and random, spur of the moment ideas. This made me more flexible, and I loved it. It stretched me a LOT, something I was truly grateful for. I’m pretty sure God did it on purpose ;) But because of marriage and the house lease ending, we all went our own ways for housing choices, and I found myself once again ‘on my own’, more or less. I’m still flexible, but I’ve noticed a few routines creeping back. No! No! Nooooo! 

So here’s the thing that dawned on me today: Someday, who knows when in the future, I’ll probably get married. And then there will be someone else there, all of a sudden. One day you’re single, the next day, you’re married. Like a permanent roommate :) That person will have their routines, quirks, ways of doing things, and preferences. Change will be good again. This at one time used to make me stop and think: “Well, I’ll have to make sure this and this is done around the house, and I’d want the towels to be hung a certain way...” Ha! Which is just laughable to me now. As I get older and experience more of life, I notice that my ideas about change itself has... changed. So eloquent, I know. And brilliant. But it’s true! One day you’re used to sleeping by yourself for the past 27 years, and the next you think, oh, it won’t be much different to have someone else sleeping there beside me. Just as if, it’s as easy as breathing. No big deal. For years you think you want the towels to be hung a certain way, and then you suddenly could care less (or even what color the towels will be!). Where will you go on vacation? What kind of car will you drive? What if you find a *new* restaurant to eat at and enjoy?!  Life changes, and will continue to change, no matter what you go through, who you meet, what you do, or what you don’t do. This doesn’t mean you can just flitter around and be a ‘free spirit’ and live up life with reckless abandon, because you only live once, but it means making wise choices with your life and what you believe God is directing you to do.Yes, change is good. I say bring on the flexibility! Change changes you as you get older. 

Being Human

Humanity. A label that shows we are breathing, living, walking around and thinking. So different from any other thing on the planet. Distortions are so common in the human being. We say one thing, and do another. We set ourselves up to succeed, and then pride gets the better of us and we fall. I enjoy being human, but it's so complicated sometimes. Usually people don't pause to think about their humanity, unless they're in a dire situation or life and death scenario (thankfully, I am in neither!). But, I just couldn't help thinking about being human last Saturday night at a church service. The pastor, who is a brilliant speaker, merely brought up a verse reference to make a point in his sermon, but I will admit my brain froze for a few minutes on the thoughts behind the verse that he brought up. Then when it started back up again, I thought: Blog material! 

Matthew 4:1-11. The temptation of Jesus in the wilderness. I've read this part many times throughout the years, but for some reason I just never equated it with being human. I really don't know how I could have missed it.  Take a look:

¹ Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. ² After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. ³ The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.”

 ⁴ Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’ ”

 ⁵ Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. ⁶ “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written:

   “‘He will command his angels concerning you, 

   and they will lift you up in their hands, 

   so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’ ”

 ⁷ Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’ ”

 ⁸ Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. ⁹ “All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.”

 ¹⁰ Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.’ ”

 ¹¹ Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him.

I used to read this and think: "What an evil, crummy thing for the devil to do to Jesus! Didn't he know that Jesus could blow him to smithereens without even the fraction bit of effort? Why did God allow this? Strange." But here's what I realized: Jesus was God in the form of man. He came to earth, as we all know, as a little helpless baby and took on flesh, just like the rest of us. Hmm. Just like the rest of us. Yes, Jesus worked miracles and could probably wipe everyone off the earth with a snap of His fingers, but he didn't. It's hard to explain. He was God, and yet, he was in a man's, a human being's, body. Ten fingers and ten toes, muscles, skin, able to bleed. Satan seriously will stop at nothing. Satan knows who Jesus is. He even knows that he could never succeed at tempting God in any form or fashion. Ever. But... God is now... in the flesh. He has a human body. One that can be starved, beaten, bruised, hurt. He even has a brain. One that can reason, think, and use to communicate. Satan tries to get at the humanity side of Jesus. The flesh.

Without Jesus being in a body that can live, die, or be resurrected, we know that He could have never sacrificed His life for our sins. It wouldn't have been a sacrifice if Jesus wasn't human, just like the rest of us. I don't know if Satan thought that maybe he could somehow sway Jesus' flesh side. Not the God side, which was all splendor and glory, blameless, but the flesh impulses of a normal human being. After all, he was used to dealing with tempting humans in their flesh all the time. Would it work with Jesus? I wonder if both sides held their breaths, waiting to see what Jesus would do. Could his body stand it? He was perfect, right? He wouldn't cave! He couldn't! 

We know Satan didn't succeed, even in the slightest. But he still tries with us mere, flesh and bone humans. Sometimes I'm sure it seems like we're being tempted daily. All too often I see the struggles outlined in this passage coming to light in my life. Satan waited for Jesus to be hungry, having not eaten anything for 40 days. That's about as long as a human body can go without food before it starts shutting down. Then he said "If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread." Which, he could have done. He created stones out of nothing in the first place! Bread would have been easy. He could have had a whole banquet. 40 days is a long time! And again he tempted Jesus by taunting Him, telling him to throw himself off the highest point of the temple, because, obviously he would be saved. He was Jesus. I love the comebacks Jesus had! He used scripture every time. Scripture is what a human being, made of flesh, can use in any and every situation when they feel threatened by Satan. Jesus had otherwordly power, so much so that it's just mind blowing. But He didn't use it. He used a book man used-- the Bible. Very interesting.

My favorite part by far is when Satan says: "All this I will give you," he said, "if you will bow down and worship me." HA! How preposterous, right?! Satan, GIVE something to God that He already owned? Ridiculous. Why would Satan even say that if he knew Jesus had the whole world anyway? There's a lot that could be said about Satan and non-believers and the morality of it all... but I think, in the end, that this part of Matthew 4 can ultimately reassure you that, despite what Satan tries to tell you, or how much he tries to convince you that he owns everything and makes the world turn-- he doesn't. God does. And in the end, God wins anyway. When life is hard, Satan will try to get you down. To believe that he is the one pulling the strings on your life. That if you only bow down and worship him, he would take care of all your problems. Friends, don't be deceived. Jesus has been tempted and passed through it. So will you.

Tugging on the Heart

I’ve had another relationship epiphany. This one, surprisingly, is really, really simple. It’s something that is so plainly obvious, I’m sure you’ll be shaking your heads at me in despair in a few minutes here. But I bet you’re at least just a bit curious to know what I’m talking about, aren’t you? Thought so!

Guys, be prepared for an insight into a girl’s mind for a moment: We’re somewhat wired the way guys are. I have no idea if it’s just that, or emotions, or what, but yes, when a girl sees a guy who she considers attractive, she can’t help but like him. If only for a small amount of time, if necessary. Like my recent Facebook status, which was hilarious, wonderful, and disappointing all at once: “Just saw the most beautiful boy driving behind me, until he reached his hand out his car window... to flick his cigarette. Siiicck!” See? It’s almost like we can’t help it. I’m not remotely attracted to ANYONE who smokes. Gross. But, before I knew that, I just thought he was gorgeous. Just like I’m sure you guys have seen women on the street, or in a car, or at a random function, and before you can even help yourself or remind your brain that you don’t even know her name, for pities sake, you are instantly attracted to her. I blame it on being a human being. Hey, it could be worse.

So yes, on both gender sides we’ve each learned to control our emotions and impulses. However! Physical attraction can have some hidden downsides, even if it’s funny to poke fun at yourself in Facebook statuses. I’ve learned from past experiences that it’s very easy to like someone ‘from a distance’, without really even knowing too much about them. But then there’s the inevitable chance of actually getting to know the person, and you realize that not only are they physically attractive to you, but in other key areas as well. So then you really like them. But hold on a minute! It’s still just you! One sided relationships? Eh, I’ve heard they don’t work out so well.

This was my epiphany: As a girl, you may meet a certain guy, can’t help but like him, and even form a quick friendship, probably through shared activities or circumstances, but ladies, if THE GUY isn’t looking to get into a relationship or marriage, then it’s simply not going to happen. There. Simple, isn’t it? Yet, so aggravating! Seriously, if you like a guy and he’s enjoying being single or has his mind on other things going on in his life, it’s only going to be emotionally crushing to you when you sit around and wonder why he’s not grabbing his phone to feverishly dial your number and ask you out on a date before some other guy steals you away. I know, it’s amazing right? A guy enjoying being single? But it’s true! More and more guys in their 20’s are, simply put, having the time of their lives. Unless they’ve just come out of their parents house at the age of 19, bent on finding a wife and nothing else ASAP, the majority of young adult guys are actually living it up and liking it. And of course each guy is different, so I’m not generalizing, but it’s definitely a trend I’ve noticed. 

But so what, right? You just have to wait for THE GUY who does want to get married. One who is seeking a relationship (and not with reckless abandon-- red flag!), but is intentional about finding a girl who he can begin a relationship with that would be a lasting one, with the intent on someday marrying. Yes, there are guys like this out there. They may be rarer than we think or know of right now, but I promise you: Just wait. Wait on the Lord and His perfect timing, and leave the others to their X-boxes. They’ll either wake up someday with a strong desire to get married, having gotten all the single days out of their system, or they’ll just stay content living with their roommates, playing video games and thinking there could be nothing better.

Thankfulness

I can’t be the only one who notices that lately saying ‘Thank you’ has gone down the drain, right along with bringing a gift for your host or hostess, or even people hosting parties anymore. It’s sad. But not saying that you’re grateful for something that’s been given to you is even more than just sad, its selfish. And I have reasons! Oh boy do I have reasons. Wait, that doesn’t sound right. Of course I’m selfish sometimes. But I don’t have reasons for why I’m selfish. I have reasons....oh, never mind. Just read on (Thank you).

Being one of those people who are forced to get out of bed at the unnatural time of 4:30am every other Friday to drive to a satellite office, I have the oh so wonderful pleasure of riding with my fellow co-workers and boss together, while we listen to a mix station that I absolutely detest. Ah, it’s a great motivator to wake up in the dark :) Inevitably, the station has some sort of early morning contest going on for callers, and of course, someone always wins. Hooray for them, can I go back to sleep now? But then they win something big, never mind the fact that they had the stroke of luck to dial exactly at the right time to become the winner, and the prize is usually something like a trip to Belize or concert tickets or $500. Amazing, right? Who wouldn’t be psyched to get that just by dialing a number and being alive? But oh, no... these callers say their name, where they live, and once they find out they won, their shockingly bland and unexcited answer is usually: “Oh wow. Great. That’s really cool.” and then the DJ goes on to the next song. Hello?? Did I miss something? Where was the Thank You! But the truth is, the thank you is just not there a whole lot anymore, in many areas. Have we given up being thankful?

I think as a Christian it’s especially important to be thankful. On a daily basis for even the small things, like breathing or for not falling down the stairs in your ridiculous 5-inch heels, but also on a continuous basis for the grace God has shown you and extended to you. Grace is not something that is equated with thankfulness too often, but I see them as two halves of a whole. Without God’s grace, we’d be sunk. Life would really cease to exist in many ways. And if we hadn’t been shown God’s grace when He sent His son to die for US, then I don’t know where we’d be. So how could you not be thankful after hearing all this? Grace is being given something you need, but don’t deserve. I grew up being taught all the Miss Manners things, such as when you hear someone sneeze, you say ‘God bless you’ as a courtesy, and when someone gives you something or does something for you in a positive way, you say thank you! I always supposed everyone did life this way, and thought as I did. But get out into the world for a while as an adult, and you find that not everyone is thankful.

Entitlement! Oh, it’s big. More and more people are feeling entitled these days. I don’t know why, blame it on the economy or Hollywood or whatever you want, but entitlement is not going away any time soon, and it’s just plain annoying to me. For some reason, people just automatically are assuming that they are entitled to this, or that, or to anything and everything! So when it's given to them, they are entitled to it anyway, so why say thank you, right? Ha. Wrong. Who thinks they’re entitled to anything, really? Beyond basic human rights, of course, and things confined in the governed laws, but beyond that, we as humans are not entitled to a darn thing. We should be thankful for banks taking us on as customers, or that the local grocers carries the kind of apples we like. Where’s the thanks to the guys who pick up your trash every week, or the person emptying garbage cans at work? I know it sounds like I’m ranting, but really I just want to shake my head and wonder aloud why we aren’t saying thank you at least 10 times a day. Everyone likes to be thanked, and I’d say this day in age, some people would literally fall over if thanked. 

So may I suggest to you that next time you win something, or receive a surprise in the mail, or have someone cook a meal for you (even if they cook for you all the time! Hint: Your mom.), or maybe even just the person who holds the elevator for you: Smile and say thank you and genuinely mean it. You’ll not only be reflecting your inner attitude and Christ-like posture, but it will remind you of the grace you’re extending to others, and to which you have been extended to as well.

Thank you.

1 Song At A Time

iTunes really is quite amazing. Revolutionary, really, once you think about it more in depth. Now, before you say I've gone off the deep end, think back with me to the not-so-distant past... it's not too far... a mere 11 years ago. What were you doing in 2000? Other than breathing a sigh of relief that you won't be using that cabin you bought in that remote place, just in case of the world ending for Y2K, of course. Because I know you were concerned ;) No, in 2000 we were all still going to the stores and buying CD's. Walmart, Target, Family Christian, you name it; wherever you got your music from. It was the norm for most of us. Why? Because iTunes hadn't been introduced yet. In January 2001, this new thing called iTunes was launched by Apple, and as I look back now, I don't think anyone really could see how it would change a lot of us. Or even change the way we bought or thought about music.


Songs, songs, songs. Those glorious tracks on CD's that we eagerly anticipated hearing after our purchase. Remember what a wonderful feeling it was to start at #1 and go all the way to the last track, listening song by song? Of course, you had to, otherwise, how else would you know what songs you did or did not like? That was the part that always bothered me. I'd love half of the songs. Or all of them, save one or two. Or, maybe, and this was rare, I'd spend my hard earned money on a CD I was so looking forward to owning, and upon listening to it, realized I hated every single song except for the one they played on the radio that had drawn me in the first place! Why? Why couldn't these artists just produce amazing songs, #1 hits you might say, in each of the track slots? Why the slow song that I thought was too slow? Why did they even record this one? Ok, maybe that's a bit dramatic, but suffice it to say, 11 years ago, I was still a bit dramatic. But that wonderful thing called iTunes... now that was something special... something so different.


The revolutionary thing is that on iTunes, you didn't have to buy the entire album. I remember being blown away at even the thought or prospect of it. Who came up with this idea?! It's amazing! I don't have to spend $9, $10, or even $13 on the whole CD, just to find out I like only 3 of the songs? Incredible. Groundbreaking. I loved it. And oh! Wonders of all wonders, each song was a mere $0.99. Not even a whole dollar. Shy of one cent, this was enough to entice me over to "the iTunes side", and having only flung my dollars at a few occasional, actually round and hard CD's with the hole in the middle, I've barely looked back these last few years. Before, there was something mildly comforting in lugging around that case full of CD's, having to flip through the pages to find what you wanted, take it out, put it in the CD drive, and select the song. Now you just open iTunes and click. Convenient.


But as I was thinking this all over today, thinking back to how for years you go about doing one thing, and then something comes along, and now it's the new normal and you forget what you did for years... the 'ease' and 'convenience' of iTunes popped on a lightbulb in my head. We're a selective people. And iTunes caters to that, and they know it. We can now select what we do and do not want on our food at restaurants. We can select which spouse we want, and then, just as flippantly, select another if that one gets boring. The same goes for artists, and the way we've come about selecting our music. Don't like this particular artist, but that radio song is so catchy? Just download it! It's less than a dollar! Decide you don't like it again (after the fad dies down, two short weeks later)? Just delete it. You're only out a buck, right? Oh look! There's another new single out! I must have it! It's so cheap. It will download instantly, and cater to your every musical whim. Classical one day for your studious mood, rock the next for that extra boost to your self confidence. Why do we so easily snap at the chance to be so selective, not only on iTunes, but in our own lives as well? Is it doing good, or doing harm? Some might say, in the long run that it's not. It's just a song. How much damage could it do to your outlook? To the way you reason and think? Will the "Instant Nation" craze catch us up too, sweeping us along in its tides of pleasure seeking and the me-first mentality? Is it changing the way we look at artists and their value? Do we devalue them down to ninety-nine cents and that's it? Are their flashy and bright covers enough to pull us in to their popularity contests? We already have American musicians who have only published their album to iTunes, no physical copy whatsoever to be heard of. Who will be the next, great, big iTunes ten minute sensation? Made entirely that way solely by us, the listening public?


I like iTunes. I really do. I'm actually using it right now to listen to music as I write this. It's a revolutionary technical age we live in, adapting as we go... but still.. sometimes I wonder.

Life, Lived

Sometimes I am surprised at my life. Well, the life I live. I find myself, sometimes at the oddest times or in the most surprising circumstances, thinking to myself: 

“Allison, this is your life. You are living right now. You’re breathing. You are in this body that you feel and you are seeing this room surrounding you. It’s not made up. You’re not someone else. You’re you. You’re real.”

Life at 4am

Does that ever happen to you? We go through our lives every day, every second, normally pressing on and doing the things humans do, without stopping to think that we are human! Surprise! No matter how hard you try, you cannot transfer your conscience to another body (although I’m sure the majority of American’s would love to) and see and experience life differently. It’s strange. I’m not even really sure I’m describing my feelings accurately. Sometimes I think that my truest feelings show themselves in the first few moments after waking up, whether at 4am, 5:30am, or 6am. The natural, first grumpy desire of not wanting to wake up and wanting to go back to sleep is usually there at first, but then my brain comes alive and I either think about the day, my dream that I’ve just had, or the one I mentioned above about being alive. It happens once about ever 4-5 months, and is so random. Why? Why do I do that? Is God trying to tell me something?

This Life is Mine

I don’t lead a perfect life by far. As many of you know from past blogs, my heart still aches over past hurts, family issues, and the lack of funds to attend the college program I’ve been working towards for the past 12 years. And while I know that I will eventually reach my goals, I’m still eager to see what God has for my future and my life as a whole. I still sit back and marvel at all that He has done so far, and continues to do. Some of the things are utterly amazing and bring me to my knees in awe, and other things are frustrating or sad. I have a feeling that my brain does this ‘I’m alive’ thing as a reminder. A reminder for me not to become complacent, proud, or downtrodden. 

This IS my Life

Looking around you and accepting your life is a difficult thing to do. Who can build a perfect life? Who would want to? Without the oddities and perplexities of life, it would be very similar to everyone else’s, and the flavor and rhythm to life wouldn’t be there anymore. So why does my brain occasionally stop all other thought processes and freeze and fixate on the one, small, seemingly mundane fact that I am, indeed, alive? The emotions that go along with the realization are strange, and varied. I’m alive? Oh good. I’m alive-- wait, where am I? I am alive, this is real. More than likely the comical answer would be that since I write mostly fiction stories and have quite the imagination, my brain is reminding me that I’m not in a book. I haven’t just woken up from a dream that was my life. And I’m not in a dream, realizing I’m dreaming, about being someone else.  Oh, my brain hurts. Does yours?

Realization of Life

Some of us hide behind our lives. We embrace what we’ve built for ourselves, ignoring all else, holding on as tight as our fingers will allow. Others have no ambitions in life-- they go with the flow, ready for whatever comes next. What does your breath-breathing, heart-beating life say about you anyway? Am I selfish? Am I vain? Am I living my life for God, or for other things? Do I aim to bring glory to myself, or to The One who truly deserves it? Is life just defined as someone breathing? As their heart beating? As their brain functioning and synapsing? What if life was defined as something else entirely? Not on a living, thinking, breathing, eating scale, but a way of measuring what you were living for. We wouldn’t (I wouldn’t) have to stop, sit up in bed in the darkness of our rooms, look around in wonder and amazement and utter bewilderment, and think: “This is me. I’m alive right now.” Because life would be defined as something other than non-fiction. It would be that God created us, and he created us for one ultimate purpose: to bring Him glory. Glory though our actions. Glory though our words. Glory though everything. Glory through our lives. And this thought always covers over everything else that I'd been thinking up to that moment. I smile and come to the realization that the rest of what I'm going through doesn't really, in the long run, matter as much.

I am a human, and I live for the glory of God. I am alive.